The New Red Dawn Has a Trailer

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Call me un-American, but this movie looks like a whole lot of meh. The new incarnation of the Wolverines is now fighting an invading army of North Koreans and their invented-by-the-writers-to-not-make-this-the-most-implausible-movie-of-all-time secret weapon that apparently disables, um, everything? I guess? It seems like some sort of EMP that also explodes things. Scary stuff.

Here are the two main appeals of the original Red Dawn:

1) Swayze and Sheen. They weren’t even huge stars at the time like Chris Hemsworth and Josh Hutcherson, especially Charlie Sheen, but still. Swayze and Sheen > Thor and Hunger Games kid, and I actually like Chris Hemsworth. And you better believe C. Thomas Howell takes the advantage over the formerly fat half of Nickelodeon’s Drake and Josh. The only cast member from that show that I’d allow in this movie is Miranda Cosgrove, and even then only if there was a whole scene dedicated to the Wolverines trying to decide if she was hot or if a North Korean incendiary device had detonated near her face.

2) The original Red Dawn came out in 1984, when the Cold War was still in full swing. People were actually scared of the Soviets attacking America or nuking American cities, both of which they did in the 1984 version of Red Dawn. The movie played on people’s fears and portrayed a somewhat realistic scenario, though maybe the details weren’t the most believable. What the fuck does this movie do? Have North Korea, a country the U.S. is TEN TIMES more populous than, invade using a secret weapon they invented that can cripple our vastly superior technology? They honest to God might as well have just made the invading force aliens. This preys on absolutely no fears, not even my non-ejaculatory based irrational fears.

Originally the plot had China invading the U.S., but the studio changed the villains to North Koreans to sell more tickets in China and not generally piss of the Chinese, for some reason. That movie would have made more sense.

So yeah, this movie doesn’t look that good. Granted I’ll probably still show up drunk and shout “WOLVERINES” at the screen every time anything happens, but that doesn’t mean I’ll like it.

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Nice Move

Bacon

Bacon is Director of Video Content and a Senior Writer for Total Frat Move, Rowdy Gentleman, and Post Grad Problems. He is a graduate, without honors, from the University of Missouri. His fake best-selling novel series, The Frat Romance Novel, has been self-described as a "pioneering achievement in satirical erotica." Bacon is originally from St. Louis, and currently lives in Austin, Texas. He still has not admitted to his family what he does for a living, and is prone to having wet nightmares ever since losing his virginity in a haunted house. Email: rob@grandex.co

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Comments

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  1. 1
    The_Hazer

    Is it just me or does anyone else think that North Korea having technology like that is humorous? The idiots worship an Asian midget like he was god or something, Hollywood is fucking up. But nonetheless, America ftw!

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
  2. 0
    Porky_Sig

    Team America already gave me a sneak peek at what a war with North Korea would be like. Final synopsis: The dicks fucked the assholes before they could shit on everything. There, I saved you twelve bucks.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
  3. -1
    American

    When I first learned about this remake, I was excited. Now that I have seen this trailer, I am remarkably disappointed.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago

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