The New York Times Offers Advice On College, Pretty Much Full Of Shit

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I was sitting on the toilet searching for stories of incredibly stupid drunken acts to write about for TFM News when I came across a very interesting article from the New York Times. The article, titled “7 Things Graduating Seniors Should Know About College,” caught my attention. I immediately knew it was going to be some bullshit from admissions advisors or guidance counselors about academic resources and other useless crap they always talk about. I was pretty much correct. They offered their seven pieces of advice and went into detail describing them.

This got me thinking. After reading them, I realized they were all incorrect. Bits and pieces were true, but for the most part, the two authors didn’t know what the hell they were talking about. So, to help any of you reading this who are about to enter college at the end of the summer or are already enrolled, I’m offering you my breakdown of their advice, as well as a bit of my own.

You Have Control Over Your Courses

While technically, you do get to choose your own courses, the school really does most of it for you. Yeah, they lay out some options (Take MGT 365 or MGT 381), but for the most part, the classes you take are part of a program. I’m not just talking about your major. Most colleges have some sort of general education program. That, in layman’s terms, means you have to take a bunch of bullshit classes that will never pertain to anything you do in life. You usually have to take these your first two years of school, and while you have some choice over which ones you take, you still have to take these useless, generally boring, and insanely annoying classes.

Every Class Counts

Every class counts in terms of GPA — yeah, that’s true. Does every class count in terms of your overall education? Hell no. I took too many classes that were absolutely useless. Microsociology? Not using that ever. Chemistry in an Environmental Context? I couldn’t tell you one thing I learned in that class. The classes that count are the ones that lead to your degree and the ones from which you can actually take a life skill. Also, in terms of grades, most colleges have some kind of “repeat-forgive” program if you completely fuck up a class. If you’re taking a class while pledging, you’re probably going to use that program. You know that saying, “You can retake a class, but you can’t relive a party”? That’s absolutely true. I’m not telling you to skip all your classes and drink all day. After all, fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life. You’re in college to get an education, but if you’re not having the best time you can, you’re a complete idiot.

You Are Expected to Do a Lot of the Work on Your Own

Yeah, this is true. They expect you to do the work on your own. If you’re reading this, I’m assuming you’re either in a fraternity or planning on joining one. Therefore, you’re never doing anything alone. While academics are your “first priority” when you’re pledging, the actives’ academics are your first priority. That said, do your best to enroll in classes with other people in your pledge class/fraternity. You’ll have the same assignments and two heads are better than one.

The Testing Is Often Done by Sampling

What the authors meant by this is that tests are not always comprehensive. They won’t cover everything. Essentially, professors are going to make tests harder than they need to be. This is exactly why fraternities have test banks.

College Papers Are More Than Just Reports

This is actually very true. Papers in college require in-depth analysis and assessment of the facts at hand. You can’t just spit out the information. For fraternity men, this is actually an advantage. It’s a well-known fact that we’re up there as some of the best bullshitters in the world. That’s why so many of us go into law or politics and why we almost always have our charges reduced to community service. To be honest, the only thing easier than a paper is a speech or a debate. We kick ass at those. Get one of the Poli-Sci majors in your chapter drunk and let him ramble. He’ll kick the shit out of your school’s debate team.

You Don’t Have to Pick a Major in Your First Year

Yeah, you don’t HAVE to pick a major in your first year. It’s college. You can pretty much do whatever the hell you want. If you’re really passionate about something, go with that. You can always change it later. If you want to stay for a fifth year, changing majors is one of the best ways to do it.

The Professor Would Like to Help You Succeed

This is absolute horseshit. Sure, every now and then you get a great professor who wants to help you and truly cares about your education. Most of the time, they don’t give a damn about you or your goals. If professors weren’t required to post office hours, you know they wouldn’t. There are some shitty professors out there. That brings up a good point. Enroll in classes you know have good professors. I’m not talking about that Rate My Professor crap. Everyone knows that’s flawed. Go with teachers you know are good/easy based on peer reviews.

The biggest piece of advice I can offer regarding college is to enjoy it. It goes by way too fast. For those of you are already in college or have graduated, you know exactly what I’m talking about. For those of you who are about to enter, you’ll see. Also, assuming you get a bid, you’re fucked.

[via New York Times]

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BlutarskyTFM (@BlutoGrandex) is a contributing writer for Total Frat Move and Post Grad Problems, the self-appointed Senior Military Analyst for TFM News, founder of the #YesAllMenWhoWearHawaiianShirts Movement, and, on an unrelated note, a huge fan of buffets. While by no means an athletic man, he was the four-square champion of his elementary school in 1997. When not writing poorly organized columns or cracking stupid, inappropriate jokes on Twitter, Bluto pretends to be well-read, finds excuses not to exercise, and actually has a real job.

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