The Official Guide To Scoring A Threesome

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The Guide To Scoring A Threesome

In a new relationship, you’re pretty much inside of your new girlfriend 24/7. You basically live inside her. You pay rent for her vagina. Once a month some fat alcoholic landlord comes and threatens to evict you from that pussy. That is your home. The honeymoon phase is cool like that.

And in the midst of the honeymoon phase, you tend to experiment. You’re like a mad sexual scientist, doing complex equations and trying to figure out what to try next. You’re in a lab with Bunsen burners trying to determine your next raunchy misadventure. 69ing? Sure. Sex toys? Why not! Anal? Well, possibly. Golden shower? You’re a monster.

But there’s one magical experience in the back of your mind that you wanna bring up. You wanna ask your girl to have a three-way. And you should. But my advice to you is this: ask NOW. Bring that shit up as soon as possible.

Because that threesome window could close any minute now.

Yes, the dreaded threesome window. In a new and exciting relationship, there is a window of time where your girl is down for a threesome. But that window is always in the process of slowly closing. When will it close, exactly? Who knows. It differs case by case. Sometimes it closes after 2 measly weeks. If you’re lucky, you’ll get a full 6 months before it closes.

It all depends on various factors.

First off, how kinky is your girl? Are you the first guy she’s been this freaky with, or has she been around the block a few times? Is she relatively late to the game and super tight down there? Or is she so sexually experienced that you can’t even feel the edges of her vagina anymore when you’re doing the deed with her?

Second off, how open is she to being with another girl? Did she get drunk in high school and make out with a chick at a party so dudes would cheer like mindless gorillas? Does she say she’s Bi on her Facebook page for attention because it’s 2016 and that’s all the rage these days? If so, your chances are getting higher.

Third off, has she ever been in a threesome before? How many times has she double dipped? Did she enjoy it? Or did it turn into a surprise jealousy fest complete with tense vibes and unbreakable grudges? Also, is she a fan of the classic sitcom Three’s Company?

And last of all, and this is THE most important one, how attached is she to you? If the relationship is new, she probably likes you, but she’s still at a stage where she’s willing to share you. She’s probably ok with the idea of watching you fuck another woman without having the urge to stab you in the eye with a screwdriver and beat you to death with a dead Chihuahua.

Is she in love with you yet? If not, your chances are up significantly. Before she drops the L-word, a three-way is WAY more likely to be agreed upon.

But here’s where it gets even more complicated.

Let’s say everything falls into place. She passes all these tests with flying colors and she’s totally down for a threesome. NOW, you have to find a way to organize a threesome. I don’t care how much of a goddamn stud you wanna pretend you are, this is a pretty grueling process.

Where should you start? Well, obviously there’s dating websites. You could go on Tinder, Match.com, and OkCupid, and basically just pimp your relationship out. But you better let your girl do the heavy lifting on the internet trying to hunt for a threeway candidate — people are more likely to respond to a girl searching for a casual threesome. If you see a guy on OkCupid openly putting “looking for threesome” in his profile he’s probably an aspiring serial killer.

There’s always the option of asking girls you know. You could maybe pitch the concept to your female friends to try to see if they might be interested, but this is risky. If their answer is no, they might be offended, and they’ll get mad that you asked them during their shift at Chipotle and they’ll shit in your burrito.

However you choose to go about it, the process better be quick. The clock is ticking. Sometimes you will finally find a threesome candidate only to discover the window has already closed. Sad, sad times.

So good luck, soldiers. I pray for you on your quest for a threesome.

By the way, I’m really excited for all your angry comments. Gems like “fuck you wally! I can have a threesome whenever I want!” or maybe even a creative joke like “haha wally you’re probably gay.” I already got my popcorn ready and I can’t wait to read them.

Image via Shutterstock

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