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The Pathetic World Of Anonymous Twitter Accounts

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UPDATE: Some of the anonymous Twitter accounts originally cited in this column have since deleted their accounts or changed their names to protect their anonymous anonymity.

Working on the internet will regularly test your faith in humanity. The majority of humans walking the Earth should be forbidden from sharing the idiotic opinions and nonsensical musings that form in their heads, and if not for the internet, most of them would never be given the chance. Since the World Wide Web was born, those people can say whatever they want, whenever they want, and often under the protection of anonymity.

In the early days of dialup, internet anonymity meant signing into AOL and joining a lesbian chat room under the guise of a frisky female teen with the screen name “longlegs18” in hopes of cyber-sexing an actual lesbian. It was hot, and it was totally harmless. Those were the glory days, when your modem made screeching noises like a dying robotic cat, and a new form of social media wasn’t born every ten seconds.

Enter the age of anonymous Twitter accounts, otherwise known as “anon” accounts.

I’ve watched in horror as this seedy underbelly of the social media world formed for over two years now, and I can genuinely say that there isn’t a bigger group of losers on the planet. These people truly are the saddest, loneliest, most pathetic, physically unattractive failures in the history of mankind. More than anything I’ve ever seen online, and I’m including “2 Girls 1 Cup” and the infamous “lemon party,” these wastes of life have caused me to completely lose faith in the future.

Oh no, I’ve tinkled myself in fear.

Not a single one of these people is cool, and yet somehow they amass thousands of followers.

Who the fuck are you talking to?

Most of these friendless clones have wildly creative names like SouthernBelle22 or NorthernFratter91 or ClassyBrunette1993, and their user photos are either stock pictures of models or unidentifiable attractive people with their heads cut off. Are you fucking kidding me, nerds? You’re too unintelligent and unattractive to post 140 characters under your own names and faces?

Are you related to the Headless Horseman?

Worse yet, not a single one of these faceless badasses has ever had a redeemable original thought. They regurgitate song lyrics, or quotes from iconic figures in American history, such as Marilyn Monroe or George W. Bush, and often these quotes are wrongly attributed.

You’re so deep and dreamy, That Preppy Guy.

One similarity between the glory days of the internet and the now anon-riddled web remains: most of those “lesbians” in the AOL chat rooms were probably middle-aged men, and most of these anonymous Twitter accounts are sexual deviants in disguise.

The only people more pathetic than these losers are the losers that send them nudes.

Get a life, clowns.

(If you really want to delve into the world of anonymous Twitter accounts, go through this one’s followers, here.)

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Ross Bolen

Ross Bolen is a New York Times Bestselling author, co-host of the Oysters, Clams & Cockles podcast, co-host of the Back Door Cover podcast, unbiased Rockets fan, fair-weather Astros fan, and sad Texans fan who attended the 2017 Masters.

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