Chapter presidents must have a delicate balance between care and control, as well as recklessness and negligence. Lean too far towards the caring side, and your fraternity quickly becomes a politically correct, fun-killing organization. Too far to the negligent side and your fraternity quickly isn’t even a fraternity anymore because your charter just got revoked. With this in mind, Matthew Stafford is the perfect guy to run the show. Despite having never won a playoff game, Matty S. is still somehow always in the conversation as one of the elite quarterbacks in the NFL, which means that he probably cares just enough to keep the ship sailing straight, but not enough to sacrifice any of his off-season tee times. The perfect ratio for a fraternity president. Oh, and he’s married to a former UGA cheerleader, so the dude can pull.
Although Jared Allen has a reputation of being both well-liked and respected around the league, he also has the perfect amount of badass in him to make him a great VP. If you don’t buy that, watch the video of him spearing an elk during one of his hunting trips and then make your judgements. It’s worth noting that Allen also wears number 69. What more could you ask for in terms of partial leadership ability?
Handling the chapter’s finances will be a 6’2”, 223-pound quarterback out of Harvard, Ryan Fitzpatrick. Granted, he may be a real liability when it comes to succeeding in big game situations, or even just general quarterbacking skills for that matter, but he also has an economics degree from fucking Harvard, yes the Ivy League. That probably means that he knows how to avoid spending all of your chapter’s money on alcohol and live animals for your chapter’s petting zoo themed mixer.
Going to have to throw this one to Johnny Football. On top of being one of the only fully functioning alcoholics on an NFL roster, the dude just straight rages. I’m not talking about just throwing a few cold ones back and having a good time, either. I’m talking about the kind of raging where he could rip a door off of its hinges and hit someone with it and it could still be considered a light night for him. There is even a report describing a night where he showed up to a Vegas casino wearing a blonde wig and a fake mustache. Who does that? He may not be 100% sane, but that’s okay, because if there is one person in my fraternity that I wouldn’t mind be a little out there, it’s my social chair.
Known for a wide variety of dirty plays, Ndamukong Suh will bring a slew of new “educational” tactics to get the most out of any pledge class. At the end of the day, who wouldn’t want to spend 8 weeks with a guy who is known for stomping on people’s calves in cleats?
Seeing how the secretary position is largely irrelevant to the fraternity’s operations (it’s been 3 months since I’ve seen meeting minutes), that makes Caleb Sturgis the perfect man for the job. Need not worry if the name doesn’t ring a bell. Sturgis is currently the placekicker for the Eagles. If that doesn’t scream irrelevance I’m not sure what does.
Along with giving Manziel a run for his money when it comes to the league’s biggest partier, Rob Gronkowski is also known for being a happy, fun-loving guy. He is perfect dude to make potential rushees feel warm and welcome before they get handed off to the pledge educator for the semester. Seeing how Gronk is no stranger to saying slightly questionable statements, including that partying improves his playing abilities, he will most likely also be the one to throw out the, “Nah man, we don’t haze at all,” line to potential pledges, which they are bound to believe. After all, why wouldn’t you believe a 6-foot-6, 265-pound dude telling you that you won’t get hurt?.
Now watch how an imperfect exec board deals with upcoming exams…