9:00-9:05 AM Awaken to triumphant sound of your fight song. Realize you aren’t in a state of pure collegiate nirvana, and the source is only the school band marching past. Rub eyes/head, open mini-fridge. Take the two Advil you mindfully laid out the previous evening, and chug liter of Fierce Grape Gatorade.
9:05 AM Realize you aren’t in bed alone. Awkwardly hover over female guest to gauge attractiveness.
9:06 AM Body a 9. Face is an 8. Not bad.
9:07 AM Search through her purse for ID. Find ID. Realize her name is “Melissa.”
9:08-9:15 AM Sneak out of room, walk to nearest convenience store. Acquire your preferred brand and flavor of slushie.
9:15-10:00 AM Fill slushie with cheap leftover vodka. Tastes like shit, but gets the job done. Casually walk around fraternity house, and exchange stories with other brothers about the night before as you drink vodka slushie.
10:00 AM Finish slushie. Realize girl is still in bed, and ascertain you are too drunk to drive her home. Return to room to tell her this fact.
10:00-10:30 AM Extremely lazy morning blowjob. Forget to tell her you can’t drive her home until afterwards.
10:30-10:45 AM Be yelled at. Send out mass text to brotherhood: “walk of shame, girl in ladybug outfit.” Brothers fill hallway, applauding as guest makes awkward exit.
10:45-11:30 AM Beer shits. Shower. Decide which bowtie to wear to game. Put gameday croakies on your Costa 580s.
11:15-12:00 PM Guests begin arriving for pre-game tailgate party. Start relatively slow with a double whiskey ginger.
12:00-12:15 PM Three shotgunned beers, and subsequent aftermath. Motor functions begin feeling sluggish.
12:15-1:00 PM Beer pong with attractive female partner. Win every game. Embarrass your brothers, and loudly point out their piss-poor performance.
1:00 PM Notice beer pong partner’s exceptional waist-to-breast ratio. Also notice she is leaning closer to you after every game. You’re in.
1:01-1:20 PM Lose beer pong game on purpose. Ask partner if she wants to see the fish tank in your room. She does.
1:20-1:35 PM You don’t have a fish tank. Pre-game hummer.
1:35-2:00 PM Don’t talk to aforementioned girl again. Beer funnels.
2:00-2:30 PM Oversee pledge cooking your burger. Insist he get it perfectly “medium rare.” Disapprove of every burger no matter its color, and insist he cook another.
2:30-2:45 PM Eighth burger’s the charm. Eat burger, accompanied by strong liquor drink. Texting no longer a simple task. Frat lap.
2:45-2:49 PM “So rock me momma like a wagon wheel, rock me momma any way you feel.”
2:49 PM Oh shit, did you lose your ticket?
2:50 PM No, dumbass it’s in your back pocket.
2:50-3:15 PM Final stretch. While normal members of society would have stumbled into incoherence hours ago, you press on.
3:15-3:25 PM Walk to game. Scalp a second ticket on the way. Arrive in seats.
3:30-4:30 PM First half. Four touchdown lead already. Leave game as halftime begins. Walk to nearby strip of bars.
4:30-4:50 PM Pound multiple whiskey drinks at bar. Return to stadium with scalped second ticket.
4:50-5:30 PM Enjoy game, with occasional sips from flask.
5:30-5:45 PM Victory. Chant on entire walk out of stadium with fraternity brothers. Nearly get in fight with opposing fan.
5:45-9:00 PM Collapse on bed. Best nap of your life.
9:00 PM Awaken to Men at Work’s hit, “Land Down Under.” Roll out of bed, and get ready to start again.