My fellow interns and I are in the back room. Heiser walks in holding three pairs of sweatpants. The really lame sweatpants with the elastic at the bottom that hugs around your ankle.
“Put these on. Now.”
Not really sure why he’s having us do this, but I know I should be worried. But, of course, we all put them on and then he left. Pretty sure the stress of finding out what we’re going to be doing is worse than what we’ll actually do.
I get summoned for a coffee run a little bit later. Naturally, I felt like a total idiot as countless other employees were cracking jokes.
“Hey, don’t SWEAT it kid, it’s just a coffee run…heh…heheheh.”
“Make sure you WARM UP the coffee for me. PAH”
You cocksuckers. Your jokes are stupid. I don’t blame them though. The look of dress shoes-sweatpants-dress shirt-tie is worth mercilessly mocking. I looked like a businessman beanie baby. Not a bad pledge-role for the fall now that I think of it…
I get back from the coffee run and return to the intern room. On the table there are three lines of powder. But it wasn’t cocaine. At least I don’t think it was. It was a weird blueish color. Heiser is standing there, both the other interns have looks of concern on their face.
“Glad you brought back one of the coffee straws.” So we ARE going to snort this unknown powder. Cool.
So we snort it. No immediate side effects. Maybe it was just crushed up sweettarts. 30 minutes later, we all find out. Not sure why it didn’t cross my mind at the time, but blue pills all tend to do basically the same thing. We snorted male enhancement products. Viagra, Enzyte, Staminol, don’t know which one it was, or a devilish mix of all three, but it was in us, coursing through our veins. We didn’t test it, but I’m convinced someone could have done a pull-up off our dicks.
There we were. Three 21 year old dudes sitting around in a circle, bonered out. Does this qualify as gayzing?
Over the intercom Heiser chimes in.
“One of you needs to take some files to the secretary. I expect it to be done in the next five minutes.”
Both the other interns were pussies, so I was elected to take the files.
Walking through the office at full mast in sweatpants wasn’t as hard as you’d think. I just kept the files low when I was walking. But then when I got to the secretary things got complicated.
“Hey Terri, here’s those files you needed.”
“Oh? I didn’t know I needed any files. Let me take a look.”
Fuck fuck fuck fuck. It’s a set up. How can I get out of this…if there isn’t any evidence, they can’t convict me, right?
“Um, well maybe I misheard and am supposed to take them to someone else?”
“It’s fine I’ll look and see if I can point you in the right direction.”
She takes the files away from my crotch. I was so rock hard I don’t think I could physically pull off an up-and tuck, but even if I could, pretty sure I’d be poking out the top.
She starts reading through the files, and then a look of disgust come across her face. I look over her shoulder, and sure enough it was a couple excerpts from “50 Shades of Grey.” She looks back at me, sees my surprise-boner, gasps. It wasn’t a good gasp like, “Oh my god take me now.” It was more of that gasp your mom makes when she overhears you telling your little brother or dad about the shit you’ve done in college, or when she sees you blackout drunk the first time, or when she walks in on you masturbating for the first time to fully clothed pictures of “Baby One More Time” era Britney Spears.
“You sick fuck! Get away from me!”
I could hear Heiser’s sick laughter from down the hall. I end up getting reported to HR, for obvious reasons, and Terri also said I should never make eye contact with her again, but I am totally fine with staring at her boobs when I had to talk to her instead.