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The Pros And Cons Of Condoms

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My grandfather had nine kids. NINE. He wasn’t exactly the richest man in the world, so he had to work his ass off night and day to keep putting food on the table to support his big ass family. All this stress eventually led to some pretty bad alcohol and drug problems. This not only hurt his physical and mental health, but it further drained his finances. He was a great man who did everything he could to take care of his lovely wife, his five sons, his three beautiful daughters, and his one mediocre looking daughter. He lived one hell of a stressful, difficult life.

This could have ALL been prevented with condoms.

Condoms are a wonderful invention. Without them, the world would be even more overpopulated and all our dicks would burst into flames from the diverse collection of diseases we caught in Vegas that one summer. We’d literally be living in a real life horror movie for the rest of our days. A bunch of dumbass, annoying kids roaming around spilling milk on your new Nikes, and a bunch of disgusting, disfigured genitals eventually developing minds of their own and taking over the planet.

But then again, condoms aren’t always a day at the beach. That’s why men around the world are constantly trying to eek their way out of wrapping their junk up whenever they can. Guys can try to talk their way into hitting it raw like they’re lawyers in court. It’s a skill. But why? Why do you men go through all that trouble to avoid rubbers? Well, I guess there are a few reasons.

Let’s break it down. Here are the pros and CONs for using CONdoms. (Sorry, I promise I’m going to promptly shoot myself in the face for making that joke.)

PRO: You can avoid having children.

Children are the worst. They’re snack-sized sociopaths and they wreak havoc and have no sense of empathy. And parenthood is a living hell. That’s why every comedian with kids only talks about what a pain in the ass their kids are. Avoid children at all costs. This has been a public service announcement from Wally Bryton.

CON: They just… don’t feel as good as not using them does.

It’s the harsh truth about life. Once you go raw, it’s difficult to go back. Condoms feel like a rubber ghost squeezing the life out of your dick. That ghost is being rude. If you’re a ghost, just go haunt some shit or make a house creepy.

PRO: You can avoid STDs.

There are like 11 trillion STDs now. Herpes, gonorrhea, syphilis, the Eazy-E Tuesday special (sorry, that’s what I call AIDS). You gotta be careful. Wrap your dick and protect it so your dick doesn’t look like an Eli Roth movie.

CON: Sometimes they break.

These goddamn condoms are some backstabbing sons of bitches. You go out of your way to put these uncomfortable cock socks on and they rip on you? That’s some coldblooded shit there. Shame on you, condoms. SHAME. ON. YOU.

PRO: You can use condoms to make water balloons to throw at juggalos.

Juggalos are the most annoying people in North America. Any day we find a new way to harass them is a good day.

CON: You can always just pull out and “finish” on an unsuspecting juggalo.

I’m sorry, I just really don’t like juggalos.

Image via Shutterstock

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Wally Bryton

TFM's most beloved writer

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