The Public Urination Manifesto
There are infinite advantages in this world to being a man, but few come with more convenience than the ability to quickly urinate in public and move on unscathed. But, at the risk of using a really shitty overused Spiderman quote, with great power comes great responsibility. Just like in your sexual endeavors, you need to be careful when and where you whip it out. For your future knowledge and entertainment, I’m going to break down a few public urination dilemmas, and the correct way to handle them (without getting arrested).
Dilemma #1- No Fucking Bathrooms (AKA The Bourbon Street Dilemma)
Now I know what you’re thinking. In a place as insane and dirty as New Orleans, where the gutters slosh with more horseshit than you see in Obama’s Job Plan, taking a little leak can’t possibly be a problem right? Wrong. I know you might think sneaking into a hotel elevator and draining your irrigation system might seem subtle, but think for a second. A place like New Orleans is literally filled to the brim with drunken assholes on a daily basis, and yet you don’t see puddles of piss everywhere. If you get caught you will get slammed with a “lewd misconduct” charge faster than you can say “R. Kelly.” A fantastic loophole in this system is the rarely surveyed parking garage. Your best bet is to find one, pick a shitty car (or a nice car if you’re an asshole), and let your stream of 80-proof piss fly free.
Dilemma #2- Post-Bar Pissing
It happens. Whenever closing time hits, it seems like the bouncers shuffle you out of the bar faster than a rushee at your house with a longboard. If you didn’t prepare correctly, or lost track of time in a cloud of drunken stupor, chances are you aren’t quite going to make it back without bleeding the main vein. Now, this might sound like common sense (bring on the “quit telling me what I already know” comments), but at least make an effort to venture off the main strip before you relieve yourself of your urinary burden. Sure, it might seem like it’s obvious, but night after night I still see countless patrons getting a stern written arrest from Officer Friendly, literally 20 feet from the bar. Unless you live in fucking New York City (in which case, you have a lot more problems to worry about), it can’t be that hard to find a secluded bush before your lowly pledge ride arrives.
Dilemma #3- The Service Project
Now this is where it gets tricky, gentlemen. I know that the whole “service” part of Greek life is 1% good intentions, and 99% “we have to do this to keep our charter and so our parents don’t think we’re alcoholics.” So, naturally any mandatory service project is typically supplemented by the incentive of free alcohol beforehand (if not, what the fuck is wrong with your fraternity?). Now, I’m not saying it’s a good idea to get gameday piss-ass drunk before you go play basketball with underprivileged kids, but a little buzz (around 10 beers) can’t hurt right? Of course, with this “little buzz” your bladder is bound to begin inflating like a little piss-balloon, and herein lies the problem. Depending on the setting of your service project, you may be very limited in your python-siphoning options. The one thing I can’t emphasize enough: if your service project involves children DO NOT piss on the playground. In many states, if you get caught in this predicament, you have to register as a sexual offender. And good luck charming any ladies, getting into law school, getting a job, or having any value as a person whatsoever when you have “Sex Offender” stamped onto your resume. Unless you want every middle-aged housewife to not let their children Trick-or-Treat at your house for the rest of your life, for the love of God pick somewhere else. To be honest, I’m not even sure why you’d be pissing on a playground during a service project with kids anyways (though it would make the slide a little faster, I guess), but I’ve heard something about desperate times and measures that seems to apply here. My suggestion? Find a nice little spot away from the action, behind the school. On the plus side, if the neighborhood is shitty enough, you might be able to score some nose candy around there too if that’s your thing.
Wherever you choose to bleed the proverbial lizard, I can’t emphasize caution enough. We have been blessed with a fantastic gift of standing urination, and while society may shun us for taking advantage of our swift pissing abilities in public, as long as there are guys and bushes, by God we will take advantage. So I implore you: on this fantastic gameday weekend, embrace your gift and piss on an opposing fans car. If they try to arrest you, just tell them I sent you. It won’t help you at all, and you’ll look like an asshole, but I’m willing to take that risk.