Every day, the PC crowd drowns the airwaves with rhetoric claiming rampant inequality in America. And you know what? They’re right. There’s one issue that is so unfair and so blatantly gender specific that I, as a red-blooded American, just can’t fucking stand. The oppression, struggle, and slander of too many good Americans has gone on for far too long. I’m talking, of course, about the refusal to discuss huge vaginas.
How many times have we heard about male penis size? Whether it be the curved monster Ray J boomeranged into Kim Kardashian, LeBron’s wardrobe malfunction during last year’s NBA playoffs, or the typical “he was really small” claims of countless bitter slams past, the male penis is subject to constant threat. So I’m here today to finally take a stand. Are you really telling me you think human beings evolved in a manner in which only the male genitalia varies immensely in size? No fucking way.
Huge vaginas are the small penises of the vagina world, and it’s time we started talking about them.
From personal experience, I’ve been with women you could literally play operation with, inserting yourself fully without touching a wall of her cavernous puss (a fun way to deal with this is adding the authentic BUZZZZ sound when you actually feel something) to the tiniest slits straining so intensely to accommodate my slightly above average frock it’s like an outfielder squinting his way to an error in the summer sun. But still, how often do you hear a guy say “yeah, she is just really fucking big?” I promise it’s not nearly as much as our innocent cocks are thrown under the semi-truck.
But size isn’t the only issue. Most of us have been with someone you’d swear squirted an entire bottle of KY in themselves pre-sex, leaving this sloppy goopy mess and me wondering “who the fuck would lick this?” Even I’m not pompous enough to think my admittedly average physique necessitated this Nickelodeon-type “sliming,” so can we go halfsies on the dry-cleaning?
And what about the shape and appearance? I hear so much about my poor testicles that the self conscious side of me has them retreating into my stomach faster than a swift kick to the groin. “Why are they so wrinkly?” “They hang too low.” “They look so weird.” “I would like dicks so much more without balls.” Blah blah blah. Well I’d like vaginas a hell of a lot better without dangling labias that make me think “hmmm, maybe God wasn’t so sure about this one in utero,” but you don’t hear me complaining.
You’re sporting a perpetually moist sideways Arby’s sandwich between your legs that somehow produces yeast, bleeds, vacillates in levels of moisture, sometimes all simultaneously, and you’re mad my balls have wrinkles? How about the stacks of mud flaps covering your clit I have to wade through like I’m searching for my golf ball in the fucking fescue?
I’m just a man taking a stand for real equality. Stop lambasting my mini me whenever you don’t get a text back, I cum too quick (always) or forget your actual name (most women in my phone are denoted something along the lines of “Big Tits Bad Head,” etc.) when I’m “sexist” for saying a word about your man-eating snatch.
This is, without a doubt, the most unfair, yet unavoidable, side effect of reprehensibly irresponsible sexual antics. When in doubt, just tell everybody he’s got a tiny dick and all is good. In reality, though I don’t doubt the sex was at best a Larry David-style “ehhhhh” for you, you’re still hitting me up late night when you need my… Nah, can’t do it. Can’t fucking quote Drake here.
People of America, it’s 2016. If it’s ok to go around shaming and maligning the good names and reputations of men’s penises, the female anatomy is 100% fair game for discussion. Let’s stand together, once and for all, to end this insufferable inequality..
Image via Shutterstock