So, you’re drunk, quickly approaching catatonic. In a last ditch attempt to save yourself, you pound a gigantic glass of water before bed. Whatever, we all know what’s coming next: that special feeling where God’s loving hand is trying to forcibly squeeze your brain out of your cranium for drinking so much.
The hangover is shitty. It reminds us that flooding our bodies with copious amounts of poison is probably not a good idea. But science be damned. We have been flipping the middle finger to our bodies ever since bacon infused jalapeño poppers were invented. Why stop now when we’re so clearly ahead?
I see lots of humorous legends, myths, and theories on how to cure a hangover. Most of them are based on about as much substantial evidence as an Obama stimulus package. Below is the real/scientific way.
Never Have Another Hangover:
Have a Plan
The amount of fucks you give when you’re getting drunk is equivalent to an asymptote — infinitely approaching zero. However, the amount of fucks you give in the morning when it feels like a cat is trying to scratch its way out of your frontal lobe is pretty high.
The key is to be prepared.
You can do this by setting up this list of materials by your bed (saw some guy named SFPL doing lists, thought it was a good idea). We both know you will not be running around gathering items like a lost immigrant in a tomato field when you’re drunk. The only way you’re using these items is if they’re near by.
Place these things by your bed:
Aspirin inhibits the release of a chemical called prostaglandin. Prostaglandin is shown to cause hangovers and Aspirin shuts it down like Neon Deion in his prime.
For a good portion of you, simply taking it before bed will stop a hangover dead in its tracks. Other products like Tylenol, Ibuprofen, etc. do not, and should not be used while drinking because they can severely damage your liver.
b. G2 Gatorade
Alcohol is a natural diuretic that depletes the body of nutrients by forcing you to pee (i.e. why it feels like a small tsunami is forcing its way out of Old Faithful). The dehydration you get from alleviating yourself is another big hangover factor. Electrolytes from Gatorade will rehydrate your body while you sleep.
Use G2 because it gives you the electrolytes you want without the massive amounts of sugar in a normal Gatorade.
Some people/studies/morons suggest that almonds should be consumed before drinking, but most of the information I have read is anecdotal at best.
You should, however, consume some good calories if you’re already drunk to help ease the hangover. The reason almonds are best is because they contain vitamin E and fats that support liver function. Basically, they will provide support to the primary organ you’ve been drowning in booze.
Eat a handful of these before bed. No more than 25.
3 Cups of Water Before and After
Like I said before, being a natural diuretic, alcohol causes you to pee. This process also forces your body to steal water from your major organs, specifically your brain. To prevent the hangover, consume water before and after drinking.
3 cups (24 oz.) of water before and after is the right amount. Enough to hydrate your system without going overboard.
Eggs in the Morning
Let’s say you are sleeping at your girl’s or have forgotten everything I just told you…dick. Remember to eat some eggs in the morning. Whole eggs. Egg whites are for hippies and 95% of the nutrition value is in the yolk.
Eggs produce cysteine, which your body needs for the breaking down of alcohol. So, when you’re telling the latest pieceslam, “eggs and bacon woman, be quick about it,” you can justify the misogyny with a logical scientific rationalization.
Alex Nerney – Certified Personal Trainer, Certified Sports Nutrition Specialist (ISSA)