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The Shower Beer

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Every now and then, a mere mortal man stumbles upon an epiphany that revolutionizes the way our universe functions within itself. Profoundly brilliant ideas that completely change our society in the best way humanly possible.

Back in the prehistoric times (around 1902) some random caveman discovered fire, and the world was never the same. Shortly after that, Pablo Da Vinci invented the wheel, bookmarking a huge tectonic shift and completely revolutionizing the way we travel now. Shortly after that, Steve Jobs invented video games and condoms, marking yet another gigantic leap forward for humankind as a whole.

When we look back on these dreamers, these big thinkers, these prolific, legendary innovators, and all the same names consistently come to mind: Leonardo Picasso, Marcus Shakespeare, Kanye Zuckerberg, etc.

But in its own odd way, this is a damn shame. A genuine, heartbreaking tragedy. Why? Because the greatest, most innovative mind in human history remains an anonymous footnote. No one knows who this man was. No one can credit him because he never credited himself in the first place. He singlehandedly gave us the greatest invention of all time, and we can’t even give him a proper tribute. So sad.

I am of course referring to the man who invented the concept of the shower beer. I say “man” because I know for a fact that it wasn’t a woman. Why? Well, it’s not because a woman isn’t intellectually capable of inventing such a thing; it’s because women have too much self respect and emotional maturity to indulge in this act. But damn they are missing out.

If you’ve never had a beer in the shower, what the hell is wrong with you, dude? Do you hate yourself? Do you refuse to live life to the fullest, the way God himself intended? Shame on you, you sad son of a bitch. Shame. On. You.

Drinking a beer in the shower is the most brilliant idea that anyone has ever had. There’s no better way to start your day than to bring a nice cold Budweiser into the shower while you clean off and get ready to head to work, school, illuminati rituals, or whatever you do with your life.

We live in a fast paced time. We all have crowded schedules, and there are so many things to do in a such a seemingly tiny amount of time. That’s why multitasking is so important. You need to do multiple things at once. Work on your Sociology 102 essay while you binge watch your favorite show on Netflix. Masturbate in your car while you’re stuck in traffic. Record one of the tracks on your shitty mixtape while at your Uncle Mike’s funeral.

When life has got me in a rut, I start a day by getting drunk in the shower, a therapeutic way to start a beautiful morning. The hot water hitting the top of your head while the liquor races to your liver and fogs your mind into a blissful oblivion. You can hear a chorus of angels singing a harmonic melody.

What are the two most important things in life? If you said “hygiene and drinking,” congratulations; you are correct! So treat yourself and bring a beer into the shower with you. Hell, if you want, bring some Jack Daniels and a shot glass into the shower. It’s a free country.

Drinking a beer while showering in the morning is arguably the most American thing you can do. It’s innovative, it’s intelligent, and it’s heroic. God bless America, God bless you, and God bless whoever the first dude was that got drunk in the shower. We salute you.

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Wally Bryton

TFM's most beloved writer

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