I. Thou shalt have no other concerns when you rage.
Face it. The moment you commit to drinking, you essentially guarantee that you will accomplish nothing productive for at least the next few hours, and most likely the next day or two. Drinking time should be sacred, and the worries of school should fly out the window faster than Sergio Garcia’s chances at a major tournament victory.
II. Thou shalt not play Wagon Wheel before midnight. And thou shalt never play the Darius Rucker version.
First of all, you motherfuckers know that by playing Wagon Wheel too much, you are, in a way, ruining the song for everyone else. In my opinion, you can only hear a song so many times before you start to hate it more than Skip Bayless hates proper logical thought. Let’s keep it to a minimum, and only unleash this piece of musical perfection once everyone is good and fucked up.
III. Keep the walls unholy.
I get it. Everybody finds themselves at that destructive level of drunk every once in awhile. Unless you want the house manager to upper-deck you in revenge, try to keep the damage on a light, cosmetic level. If you break anything beyond your own means of repair, pay for it. It’s hard to be mad when it happens, but it sure as hell needs to get fixed sooner rather than later.
IV. If thou feels the urge to vomit, thou shalt make sure they have a proper receptacle beforehand.
No one likes cleaning puke, and a fair amount of times the puker in question ends up being way too belligerently intoxicated to actually take care of the mess they created. At some point we’ve all had to clean a brother’s puke, and it ranks just above “going down on Snooki” on the international fun scale.
V. Thou shalt have an unreasonable amount of liquor.
There are only two types of girls in the world. Girls who hate beer, and liars. While it’s all well and good to get fucked up on your own terms, making sure the ladies have their own means of consumption is a major priority. A couple half-full plastic bottles don’t lead to a killer party. At the very least pour the acetone-based shit vodka into nicer glass bottles. Just kidding ladies, fraternities never do that.
VI. Thou shalt throw down.
You’re not going to have cash on you every time a party begins to brew. In our increasingly paperless world, all of our cash reserves are typically reserved for drugs and slipping into strippers’ underwear. Part of being a good brother means giving your share when the occasional re-funding of a party is needed. It could be anything from splitting a case with your roommate all the way up to an impromptu summer vacation keg. When you make sure to do you share, the end result is everybody getting a little bit drunker. Nothing wrong with that in my book.
VII. Thou shalt ensure the babes have a good time.
We touched on this previously, but it’s worth mentioning again. Without females, there simply cannot be a party. While general bro-drinking time is a staple in every fraternity man’s career, there simply isn’t a way to assemble a massive rager without a few pairs of tits bouncing around. Women in our country can be complicated, but girls at a party are simple. Serve them drinks that don’t taste like used mouthwash, socialize, and play music that doesn’t suck. How some fraternities manage to screw this up is truly beyond me.
VIII. Thou shalt not run out of booze.
Mismanagement happens, but the moment that keg begins to fizz, or the final cases begin to lighten their loads, it’s time to re-up. Nothing is a bigger and more literal buzzkill than that awkward 30-minute span of waiting for new beer to arrive just because whatever asshole is in charge didn’t keep track of the supply. No one wants an ill-timed spike of sobriety in their night, so make sure the amber beverages of old keep flowing.
IX. Thou shalt know when to pass out.
Just as every beautiful day in America eventually comes to an end, so must your raucous nights of rage. While the desire to drink until sunrise can be a frequent temptation for the fraternity man, one must be aware of their limits. If every time you take a piss leaves the bathroom looking like a hurricane shot out of your dick, it might be time to call it a night.
X. Thou shalt not covet thy brother’s girlfriend (in front of him).
I understand. She’s a certified 9.5, with a waist-to-rack ratio that makes you drool. Half the time you wonder how that motherfucker got so lucky, and the other half is spent fantasizing about what she looks like naked. While it’s absolutely fine to share with your brothers the massive list of sexual deviancy you’d like to thrust upon her, it simply isn’t cool to let this guy know it to his face. He knows he’s probably batting out of his league, he doesn’t need the reminder.