The Texas Rangers: America’s Team?

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The latest MLB All Star voting results came in on Monday and Prince Fielder is the only starter who is not a member of the Yankees, Red Sox, or Rangers. Not too surprising considering that for the better part of the last decade the American League team has always been flooded with players from the Bronx and Boston, but what is surprising is that five out of the eight starters are Texas Rangers. Does this merit a conversation that the Rangers deserve the title of America’s Team? By no means. Am I going to examine the prospect of this anyway? YES I AM.

If you have ever taken the time to watch Lonesome Dove, then you understand just what it means to be a Texas Ranger. Robert Duval beds a 24 year-old smoking hot Diane Lane at the age of 67, and Tommy Lee Jones goes into uncontrollable black out fits of rage that tend to kill anyone in his path. That combined with the fact that the Rangers don the red, white and blue when they hit the field will begin the premise of our argument. The Rangers recent success and unprecedented popularity all starts with Jon Daniels. Six years removed from being a Delta Chi at Cornell, Daniels became the youngest GM in the history of Major League Baseball at the age of 28. Think of Billy Heywood from Little Big League, but the GM version. Daniels made power moves through blockbuster trades and free agency to obtain Nelson Cruz, Adrian Beltre, Mike Napoli and Josh Hamilton. All of these players, and Ian Kinsler, are leading the ballots at their respective positions and he has managed to maintain one of the best farm systems in the league the entire time.

Daniels has created a team that has rivaled and surpassed the Braves as the fan favorites of southern America. The Christian demographic sings praises every time Murphy and Hamilton step to the plate and the majority of our lower-rent residents with a television set and a Napoli tee shirt jersey have their own hero on the team, as well. They appeal to the broad spectrum of baseball fans, from the clean cut image of good ole boy Michael Young to the edgier Hamilton. Lets face it, the days have long since passed when I can flip on TBS and see the Braves every single day, no one likes Fredi Gonzalez as much as they did Bobby Cox, and the only reason Chipper Jones is still on my fantasy team is for street cred.

Finally, there is not one manager in the league who demands and receives more respect than the Rangers Ron Washington. His contagious energy and leadership has reserved him a spot in the hearts of all Rangers fans, and he has every quality of an old school legendary baseball manager. Did he test positive for cocaine use? Sure. But he came clean and make the bold claim that it was his first and only time to use the drug. Nobody in the history of cocaine abuse has taken their first bump at the age of 60, but did that deter Washington’s alibi? No, sir. He has his story and he is sticking to it.

So, the next time you tune in to watch the Rangers here in the next few weeks, whether you catch Roy Oswalt’s first start, a Josh Hamilton long ball, or you sneak a peek of President Bush and Nolan Ryan shooting the shit in the front row and it feels a little bit like an iconic organization, that’s because it is. The World Series trophies will come and the loyalty of fans all across this great land will come with it. The Rangers have made their case, so jump on the bandwagon, there is plenty of room, and cheer with us for America’s team.

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  1. 0
    Fratlem Brotrotters

    This is the dumbest column I have ever read. Everybody needs to get off the rangers’ dick. Nothing from Texas but steers and queers. The Atlanta Braves are and will always be America’s team. Win a World Series and then come back and talk to me. The chop don’t stop.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 3 years ago
    • 1
      Fraticus Rex

      Even though I’m a Ranger’s fan, I agree completely with Brother JParksCaldwell1855’s first post. But on top of everything he said, The Yankees are America’s team because they are the one team you can’t stay neutral about: you love them or you hate them. But what really proves that they are America’s team is that they are one thing that the whole country can get behind. Love them or hate them, every baseball fan in the country was pulling for them in that first game post-9/11. How many other teams can unite a country like that?

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • 0
      Bass

      Listen up retards. I applaud ya’lls teams past success, but the pennants won in the past have little relevance to today’s teams. No the Rangers don’t have the most decorated past, but TODAY, in my biased opinion, they are America’s Team.

      Side note: Go Braves.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • -2
      JParksCaldwell1855

      We all hate them. They’re synonymous with the Imperial Empire and the Soviet Union. We loathe their media attention. But anyone who says that the New York Yankees, with their 27 World Championships, and with greats like Ruth, Mantle, DiMaggio, Gehrig, and yes Derek Jeter, aren’t America’s team is insane.

      The Yankees = baseball.

      (and anyone who voted for Beltre over Cabrera at 3rd is also insane).

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 3 years ago
    • -2
      The Big LeFratski

      Couldn’t agree more JParks. They symbolize American capitolism, as much as everyone hates them. I hate em. I only wish my team hadn’t struggled for the past 10 years, till now. Go Redlegs.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 3 years ago
    • -3
      JParksCaldwell1855

      I’d define America’s team by which club the nation is most emotionally invested in, and no team stirs up more emotion by than the Yanks. Hell, I’d even put the Red Sox, Cubs, and Braves before the Rangers. Sure, what’s happening today plays a role, but baseball is a story of tradition, and Texas doesn’t have much yet.
      (and how dare you call the MFY my team).

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
  2. 0
    Success

    “Daniels has created a team that has rivaled and surpassed the Braves as the fan favorites of southern America”…no, just…no.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 3 years ago
  3. 0
    Senator_frat1925

    I would rather the Rangers not be America’s team. I just want them to beat the fucking Yankees every single time. Actually, I could care less if they ever win the World Series, as long as they beat the Yankees.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 3 years ago
  4. 0
    Riverboat Gambler

    America is a winner and the Rangers don’t represent America. The Rangers have never won a WS. Don’t give me that Braves shit either. The Red Sox were mediocre for 86 years. That’s un-American. The Cardinals are the most American franchise there is. It’s in the Midwest. The Cards were the South’s team way before the Braves. We were the westernmost team and had many fans in places like Colorado and the West Coast. We’ve been producing excellence since 1892. 11 time world champions.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 3 years ago
    • -1
      Drink Responsiblyish

      Exactly. Before the Braves, the Cards were the team of the south…and of the west. And they’re known as the best fans in baseball. They also wear the red, white, and blue (as do about half the teams in the MLB). Oh yeah, and other than the “throw money at the problem” Yankees, the Cardinals have the most WS championships. Sounds like America’s team to me.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 3 years ago
    • -1
      Riverboat Gambler

      False. The Cardinals were the South’s team. The Cardinals always had their fair share of Southerners. Enos Country Slaughter, Dizzy and Daffy Dean, Hornsby to name a few. Ask any old Southerner and they’ll tell you the Cards were the team.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 3 years ago
    • -2
      John Rocker

      The Yankees were the team of the South before the Braves moved to Atlanta. As much as I hate the Yankees, this is a fact. They were the only team Southerners could watch on TV.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 3 years ago
    • -1
      Joran van der Frat

      Detroit is one of the poorest and most crime-ridden cities in America. And “coincidentally”, it’s also infested with knee-grows. Nothing fratty about any of that.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 3 years ago
  5. 0
    White Goodman

    I grew up going to games at old Fulton County Stadium as a kid, until the Olympics came and Turner Field was built. I don’t cheer for the Braves because they’re “the team of the South,” but because they’re my team and always will be. Fuck you, go Braves.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 3 years ago
  6. 0
    DavidAllanBro

    What the fuck? Everyone hops on the bandwagon and has been going for the rangers ever since they started doing good. Fucking queers. Go Braves. The Braves have always been considered America’s team. Fuck everyone else. This is Braves country.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 3 years ago
    • 0
      DavidAllanBro

      ^You are a fucking moron. They were broadcasted nationally on TBS from the 70’s until 2007, therefore being considered “America’s team”. Fuck the rangers, and fuck you. Go Bravos

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • 0
      DavidAllanBro

      haha giants? You might as well kill yourself you f.a.g.got piece of shit. San fa.gcisco is the gay capital of America. The only good players on the giants are Cain and Posey. And they’re from Alabama and Georgia. You fucking california pussy. Have fun trying to beat the dodgers in your division you fucking piece of shit. Kill yourself. Go Braves.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • -1
      williamfratner916

      Yeah and the Cubs and White Sox get aired nationally on WGN, that doesn’t make them America’s team you dumb redneck. The Braves got broadcasted on TBS for the same reason the Cubs and Sox get broadcasted on WGN. Besides, fuck the Braves. They always do well in the regular season then choke dick in the playoffs. Go Giants.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • -1
      williamfratner916

      You have no room to talk shit since the last time the Braves made the playoffs, they got their asses kicked by the Giants. But it’s okay…I’d be butthurt too if my baseball team sucked and I had a tiny penis like you do.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago

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