The TFM Holiday Gift Guide

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What do you get the fraternity man who has everything for Christmas? This is a question without an easy answer. After all, how many pastel polos and shorts can one person own before they physically manifest as the second coming of the Easter Bunny? Sure, a fraternity guy is always happy with a bottle of his favorite liquor, but after a two-night flurry of regrettable dance moves and slurred speech all he’ll have left is the bottle.

We, at TFM, decided to highlight a few items that really capture the fraternity spirit this holiday season. While they range from simple drinking accessories to must-have symbols of our nation’s dominance, one thing is for sure: these are must-haves for every Greek student who just plain likes to party.

Nylon 3′ x 5′ American Flag- $5.66

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A $5 tribute to your undying love for America, of course this flag was going to be first on the list. Hang Old Glory at your next party, in your front lawn, or just force a pledge to carry it around all day. Either way, it’s money well spent.

144 ct. Ping Pong Balls- $12.95

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Let’s do a little experiment. Pick up a random couch in your fraternity house in an area generally used for beer pong. Chances are, there are at least 25 moldy deformed ping pong balls and several that may not even be from this past decade. Sometimes, you just gotta bite the bullet and buy a new set. This 144 ct. set should last you at least a week or two.

Solo Cups, 1000 ct.- $133.29

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I know what you’re thinking. 133 bucks on a set of Solo cups seems a little excessive. Unless, of course, you’re a fraternity treasurer, in which case you’re probably salivating at the thought of the extra 3 or 4 cases this set can help you afford.

Vineyard Vines Whale Hat- $20.00

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Classic and simple, the Vineyard Vines whale hat is the perfect embodiment of the fraternity lifestyle without ramming it down anyone’s throats. Sure you could rock some unreasonably high-cut shorts and run down the street screaming, “HEY LOOK I’M IN A FRAT!” but we like to think you’re better than that.

Duff Beer Koozie- $7.28

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As far as fictional beer brands go, Duff is undoubtedly the cream of the crop. This koozie might not grant you the mysterious floating hair or yellow skin pigmentation of the Simpson’s universe, but the throwback to the classic American show is sure to earn some nods of approval.

Guy Harvey Long Sleeve- $28.00

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Spending your days catching fish is all well and good, but there’s something special about wearing a shirt featuring the marine wildlife that you enjoy systematically murdering in your free time.

Bronco Keg Tap- $46.07

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In a world of rusty and ineffective keg taps it seems like the perfect beer has never been farther away. Granted, that might be because your chapter hasn’t cleaned their taps in months, possibly years, but let’s not nitpick. The Bronco tap is designed for minimum maintenance and maximum usability, making it the perfect option for houses who can’t get enough of those cylinders of silver joy.

Ice Shot Glass Tray- $8.95

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Tired of lukewarm shots and the painful shards of broken shot glasses littering your fraternity house floor? Solve both problems with this mold for shot glasses made from solid ice. All you need is water and a few hours to kill. You’ll be in chilled liquor nirvana in no time.

Mason Jar Shot Glasses- $15.95

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Ask anyone from the South: drinks just naturally taste better out of a mason jar. For decades, we’ve been limited to stiff cocktails and sweet tea, but these mason jar shot glasses are a revolution in hard liquor consumption that can’t be ignored.

<Classic Beer Helmet- $8.49

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The Beer Helmet: everyone knows about it, but for some reason this practical piece of booze themed headwear just doesn’t have the mass appeal that it should. For a measly eight bucks you get the unmatched convenience of empty hands at a party. What you do with those hands is up to you.

American Flag Flask- $5.89

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In the normal world, flasks are supposed to be a subtle method of guzzling down hard liquor in places where it would otherwise be forbidden. But fuck that, this is America, and if you’re going to booze in a public place you might as well show your true colors. Sure, it might get you arrested, but at least you’ll look like a patriotic citizen as you’re shoved into the back of that white Crown Victoria.

LED Breathalyzer- $13.98

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Breathalyzers can be one of the most dangerous “toys” in a fraternity house, which naturally means that they’re also the most fun. I’m not going to suggest that you play the “Who Can Get The Drunkest?” game, because that would just be plain irresponsible of me…but I’m willing to bet that you’re not going to use this the same way an alcoholic would.

Durex Condom “Pleasure Pack” 54 ct.- $17.59

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I know, I know. Condoms are about as NF as it gets. You know what else isn’t frat? Babies and Chlamydia. Both make it pretty difficult to rage to your fullest extent, and both pretty much guarantee you won’t be getting laid in awhile. Be safe, wrap it up, and buy in bulk so you have more money to spend on nearly poisonous cheap whiskey.

Dueling Beer Funnels- $15.45

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Sometimes, you just have to assert your dominance over somebody else. What better way to do so than a good, old-fashioned chug-off? While shotguns and open cup chugs have a multitude of exterior forces at play, a good old fashioned double funnel is a great and objective way to determine which person possesses a saggier useless vagina.

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StuffFratPeopleLike

StuffFratPeopleLike (@StuffFratsLike) is a writer for Total Frat Move, and due to his crippling OCD and functional alcoholism he can only understand and write text when presented in a numbered list format. So you're all jerks for calling him out on it. He is a self described Huguenot, and commands a secret sexual fetish for angry internet comments. All shameless praise can be directed to: joe@grandex.co

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  1. 142
    TennesseeForLiberty

    If you’re buying a 3’x5′ American Flag for $6, it was probably made in China. Not everything I buy is made in American, but if I’m buying an American flag it sure as hell is going to be made here. Dish out another $20 and buy an American, American Flag.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 1 year ago
  2. 22
    1836Texas

    You say we should buy ice shot glass tray to prevent broken shot glasses on the floor, but then immediately say we should get mason jar shot glasses? Make up your fucking mind. And what’s the point of a mason jar shot glass when you can get an actual mason jar full of shine?

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 1 year ago
  3. 1
    USMCTFM

    Paddle Your Own Canoe by Nick Offerman. The man is the epitome of manliness despite his theatre days. You can also get the audiobook for free on Audible.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 1 year ago

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