The Timeline Of Our Weird Tuesday Night In College Station

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I, along with about seven coworkers, spent Tuesday night in College Station to host a Comedy Central sponsored screening of their new show, “Big Time in Hollywood, FL.” It went down like this:

2:00 p.m – We depart Austin.

4:05 p.m. – We arrive at rental house in College Station suburb. It’s about five minutes from campus. The house is decently big, nice, new, and clearly the main residence of a nice, young family with several kids. Family pictures are all over the house. The son has a pull-up bar in his bedroom. The décor was via a Michaels house-staging starter kit.

4:06 p.m.Ross and I drop our bags, i.e. claim, the master bedroom. Side note: There’s absolutely nothing wrong with doubling up in a king bed with your boy on an out-of-towner. It’s actually weird going one deep in a bed that big if it means someone sleeping on a couch or the floor.

4:10 p.m. – We discover the family’s liquor cabinet. It’s stocked. We notice an unopened bottle of Fireball. What kind of family is this? Liquor and food are not included in our rental package. The refrigerator and pantry are also fully stocked.

4:15 p.m. – We leave for the bar in an Uber.

4:25 p.m. – We arrive at The Backyard.

4:25 to 6:45 p.m. – We drink and burn a couple heaters. We meet the three girls (A&M students) we hired to help us run the event, including one of our IG Babes, Kylie. One of the guys in our crew has on a fanny pack.

Grandex bar tab: $495

6:45 p.m. – We leave for Rudder Theatre for Comedy Central event.

7:00 to 8:00 p.m. – We view the first three episodes of the show. Judging by the laughter from the crowd, it seemed hilarious, but I couldn’t tell you for myself because a girl sat next to me before it started and talked my ear off the entire time. Hi, Kennedy.

8:05 p.m. – We begin walking to The Corner Bar.

8:15 p.m. – We arrive at The Corner Bar and begin drinking heavily.

10:25 p.m. – One of the older guys in our group thought it would be a great idea to pull out his phone and show a table of college girls pictures of his newborn child. We keep drinking heavily.

10:40 p.m. – Remember the guy pictured jumping from the third-floor balcony in my “Is This Guy Dead?” column? He goes to A&M. I ran into him. He’s still alive.

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Grandex bar tab: $792

11:00 p.m. – We depart for some bar that ended up being closed. It’s cool because we find a Domino’s and we’re hungry. We order two large pizzas to be delivered to the bar we planned on going to next.

11:15 p.m. – We arrive at the next bar. I can’t remember the name, but it has a ton of beers on tap and a big dance floor. I remember the dance floor because Kylie dragged my washed up ass out on it to show me how to do “the pretzel.” We keep drinking and burn a couple more heaters. I don’t remember the pizza ever arriving.

Grandex bar tab: $375

12:30 a.m. – We leave the bar and begin walking to a nightclub called Foundation Lounge.

Okay, here’s the thing. College Station on a Tuesday night (it may have even been a big exam week?) is pretty wild. “T-shirt Tuesday” is a thing there, and I think it just means girls wear T-shirts and hit the clubs to make weird decisions? I was impressed with the scene before heading to Foundation Lounge, but walking into that place was like walking into a Miami nightclub on a Friday night. It was like the set of a rap video. Girls were twerking and grinding on each other. The floor was covered in spilled drinks. The music was loud enough to make you yell just to communicate with the person next to you. It was just aggressive — a place that Johnny Manziel used to frequent, I’m guessing.

We did what we had to do. We slowly nudged our way through the mob and up to the bar, then Matt ordered drinks for everyone and a bottle of champagne to pass around. We may have danced at this point?

1:25 a.m. – Matt and I stop doing what I can’t remember doing for a quick photo op. At this point, Ross sidles up from behind and Weekend at Bernie’s-ed his way into the greatest picture I’ve ever been a part of.

1:16 a.m. – I set the aforementioned pic as my Twitter profile picture.

1:50 a.m. – Things are spiraling violently out of control so we decide to order an Uber and head back to Suburbia and get some sleep.

Grandex bar tab: $456

1:55 a.m. – We get in the Uber and head toward the house.

2:00 a.m. – Ross wants to stop for a can of dip. He realizes his wallet is not on him. It’s lost (he never finds it, actually). We pull up to a gas station and he asks me to go inside with him and buy him a can. I said sure. We go inside and Ross proceeds to ask for $24 worth of tobacco products with my credit card in his hand, including three cans of dip and either one or two packs of cigarettes. Asshole.

2:10 a.m. – We arrive at the house. I head to the master bedroom. The door is locked, then I noticed my bag was now in the living room. So was Ross’s. Our CEO, Madison, commandeered the master bedroom. He took the king size bed for himself and locked us out of it. He totally bitched Ross and me. Time to drink more.

2:15 a.m. – We break into the family’s liquor cabinet. We drink an entire bottle of wine, open a handle of Maker’s Mark, and begin passing around the Fireball and taking pulls from it. We make our way to the pantry. We eat their food. I don’t remember how much. We make our way to the refrigerator. We eat their food. I don’t remember how much.

They have a pool table. We play the worst brand of billiards that has ever been played, not finishing a single game. We continue drinking heavily.

3:55 a.m. – We realize only four of us had made it back to the house. Where were the others? We didn’t know and weren’t concerned.

4:05 a.m.Rob walks through the front door with two random dudes. Yeah, that’s right. He took two dudes back to our crib at 4 in the morning.

4:25 a.m. – Rob’s two randos leave.

4:26 a.m. – One of Rob’s randos walks back through the front door because he forgot something. At this point, while he was rummaging through our living room and looking for whatever it was he left behind, the following thought entered my mind: “This kid isn’t leaving without seeing me naked.” For whatever reason, I showed this stranger what I was working with.

He left. I walk to the pull-up bar room. I get a set in. I go to bed. I had work the next morning after all, in Austin no less. But I never made it. None of us did.


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