The Unofficial Presidential Stance on Fucking With the Rival House

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As President, you should be levelheaded and PR-minded 24/7. You know, unless it involves those try-hard fucks across the street. Publicly, you always encourage your members (at chapter and the like) to NOT fuck with your rival house, or “RivalHouse.” But some members are smart. They know the chapter meeting is nothing more than a big dog-and-pony show.

“Hey Mr. President,” the pledge master says, a smile creeping across his face. “The pledges helped one of the alums remove cow shit from his property. They decided to keep some of it. Would it be okay if we…used it…for you know…stuff?”

You smile back. “What momma don’t know won’t hurt her. Have at it, hoss.” If anyone recorded this conversation and tried to use it against you later, you could legally claim you were just spouting off quotes from an Adam Sandler or Will Ferrell movie. 24 hours after that conversation you’ve learned a very valuable lesson about RivalHouse. They really don’t like cow shit crammed into their window-mounted AC units. Or EAT MORE KOK painted on their glass front door. (We weren’t always an excrement-based rivalry. We used to steal each other’s women, back when RivalHouse, you know, liked women.)

But your members, when hammered and moving in a pack formation, are fucking retarded. The only other place in ALL of Greek Town that smells like cattle fertilizer is the pick-up truck in your chapter’s parking lot. They didn’t exactly do a good job cleaning up the evidence either. Of course they didn’t. It’s the imperfect crime.

You, Mr. President, get to handle this. Any time anybody does anything to RivalHouse (the chapter is pretty squarely hated by all Greeks), their President comes directly to you. Sometimes he has evidence; most times he has his proverbial dick in his hand as he begs you to “just make it stop.”

“The Prank War is getting to a point where we can’t afford to do the repairs, and the police never know who does it, but it’s hard for us to keep being good Greek unity types when everyone always seems to kind of have it out for us.”

Every time the RivalHouse president talks to you it makes your head want to explode. Not only do you hate his chapter, you subsequently hate him for running it. But what makes it worse is that he’s also impressively retarded. He’s a simpleton to the point that you’re pretty sure he spends two hours writing down what he wants to say before meeting with you. God bless him he tries hard (like makes flashcards for a film class “tries hard”), but if he didn’t prepare his little plea would probably sound something like: “WE NO LIKE POOP IN THEM COLD AIR MACHIENS IN THE WINDA’. SMELLS LIKE SHIT! MAKES PUSSY HARD TO PULL!” He’s hard to listen to, on so many levels.

This story is supposed to play out like this: After relentlessly picking on an admittedly inferior organization, your members eventually slip up bad enough to get caught and get the whole house in trouble. But that kind of shit only happens when you have a president who bends the knee to Greek Life, the University, the alumni, and local law enforcement. Some presidents actually work for the judicial sanctioning boards, but they’re so afraid to show preference to their own chapter that their house actually gets more fucked. Who knows, maybe these douche bags fuck their own house to teach their members a lesson. I’ve seen that shitty leadership style plenty of times.

Those of us with a scrotum, we say fuck the powers-that-be and orchestrate house-wide lies. This kind of deception happens everywhere, and can (when the god damn government doesn’t’ get involved) be a very effective capitalist tool, especially when price-fixing and money laundering is involved.

We lie so well that all vested parties just give up—even if they know SOMETHING is happening—because the effort it takes to wade through a web of lies woven by a united organization just isn’t worth it for $22 grand a year or whatever those “advisor” types make.

In short, your chapter has a nice spot inside the untouchable circle. Do your members do a lot of stupid shit? Yes, of course, but what chapter’s members don’t? The issue arises when one of “them”—a house outside that untouchable circle due to sanctions, money/recruiting issues, or lack of alumni support—commits a crime.

Every house has a certain-sized shield of alumni influence (influence=alumni dollars) that kicks in when they collectively or individually commit some sort of infraction. When a chapter collects enough PR damage, the alumni become progressively less able to defend the undergraduates as their carefully recruited dollars slip into the pockets of lawyers, plaintiffs and university penal organizations.

One to two houses are completely immune. Everyone knows who they are. For the rest of the Greek Community, once that alumni shield erodes enough from repeat offenses, your ability to buddy-up to your fellow presidents—even if it’s your rival—could be the key to staying on campus. In other words, be honest with yourself. If you’re not top tier, seriously fucking with your rival could cost you your charter, especially if you get caught more than one or two random times. But if you’ve built a proud organization full of brothers who love what those two or three Greek letters stand for, who would do anything for the betterment of the Fraternity…well, that’s just it. You can do just about anything.

Or you could be fucked either way. The University could make an example out of you or you could run into a fabricated assault story during a sensitive time and have your charter revoked in the wake of a community. No way to know. Good luck!

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  1. 0
    EtonClubs

    I sound like a broken record but if I had a quarter for everytime someone used the word ‘proverbial’ in their column I’d be able to buy something worth like, 10 to 15 quarters.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 3 years ago
  2. -1
    mrsperryman

    “Not only do you hate his chapter, you subsequently hate him for running it.”
    Using subsequently when you meant consequently? Take a lap.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 3 years ago
  3. -1
    duckdog

    They will be back. Even Nationals would not shut down the Alpha without a plan to bring it back. Once the campus has been cleared of the current members, they will hand out bids at 2018 Freshmen orientation. Same thing happened to Pikes at my alma mater.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 3 years ago
  4. -1
    Rich Fader

    I’m not sure our RivalHouse ever liked women. I mean, I’m sure a few of the guys did, but they had to stay deep in the closet about it.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago

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