The Weekend Sports Recap

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Weekend Sports Recap

Draymond’s DM Slide Fail

Why any famous person thinks genitalia pictures are a good idea in 2016 we’ll never know, but Draymond Green’s rough summer of 2016 continued when he posted a picture of his junk to his public Snapchat yesterday. Ironically known for his tenacious D, Green originally claimed his account was hacked, but later admitted the dick pic was meant as a private message. Considering his celebrity and the average age of Snapchat’s audience, it’s safe to assume that thousands of children excitedly opened Green’s story, only to encounter an erect penis. Nice work, Draymond. Steven Adams will be the first to tell you: karma’s a bitch

PGA Championship: Not Your Pop-Pop’s Walker…

His name might sound like an off-brand Tennessee whiskey, but his game is smoother than a tall glass of 21-year-old single malt scotch. Despite the No. 1 player in the world clawing at his heels and rainy conditions leading to the longest final day in PGA Championship history, Jimmy Walker left Baltusrol a champion after a bogey-free 67 (-3). The 37-year-old first-time major winner, who also dabbles in astrophotography, Walker finished off the wire-to-wire win with a three-foot par putt and hugs from Jordan Spieth and Rickie Fowler. Cocaine-related side note: do you ever get the feeling Dustin Johnson is okay being “good” instead of “great”? Maybe it was the time we witnessed him partying first-hand on a puddle jumper from San Diego to Cabo, but the uber-talented US Open winner went 72-77 to miss the cut at +9…

MLB Trade Deadline: Lucroy Tells The Entire City of Cleveland To Fuck Itself

The Brewers signed Jonathan Lucroy to an insanely team-friendly five-year, $11 million deal in 2012 (if he hasn’t fired his agent at this point, he should have), which made the All-Star backstop one of the sexiest names on the trade market. It came as no surprise that Cleveland, in first place in the AL Central despite their catchers hitting a combined .169 (not a typo), made the best offer for Lucroy, but the longtime Brewer stunned the baseball world when he exercised his no-trade clause and told the Indians and the entire city of Cleveland to fuck off. All wasn’t lost for the Tribe, however, as they were able to lure Andrew Miller from the Yankees for top prospect Clint Frazier, minor league lefty Justus Sheffield, and two other kids that you’ve never heard of. Solidifying the back-end of the bullpen was a more important move for the Indians, and even though they lost Frazier, who New York fans will soon come to love, acquiring Miller was a huge coup for Cleveland.

Here are the other minor moves from the weekend:
• The Orioles acquired Wade Miley from the Mariners for three massages at a local Seattle spa and two mint condition Jay Buhner Topps trading cards…
• St. Louis traded minor league outfielder Charlie Tilson to the White Sox for left-hander Zach Duke
• The Padres sent Matt Kemp to Atlanta for Hector Olivera in a swap of undesirable contracts. San Diego immediately designated Olivera (currently serving an 82-game domestic violence suspension) for assignment…
• In an effort to solidify the back-end of their bullpen, Washington acquired Mark Melancon from the Pirates. The Nationals had been linked to Andrew Miller, but the Yankees wanted No. 1 overall prospect Lucas Giolito, which despite what this guy says, would have been a terrible trade for the Nats…
• Most likely to be traded today: Jay Bruce, Carlos Beltran, at least one Rays starter, Yasiel Puig, Jonathan Lucroy (likely to the Rangers), and Jeremy Hellickson…

In Case You Missed It

NFL

• DeAndre Hopkins accumulated 1,500 receiving yards with Brian Hoyer and Ryan Mallett throwing him the ball, so he should be making around $100 million per year, right? Incorrect. The Texans star ended his two-day holdout after Houston said “thanks, but no thanks” to Nuk’s desire to renegotiate his $1 million base salary…

• Top NFL draft picks almost never hold out because of the rookie salary scale, but that hasn’t stopped Joey Bosa. The third overall pick is staying home from Chargers training camp because of an argument over when his signing bonus gets paid… #YouAintTheBosaMe

NBA

• When Amar’e Stoudemire retired, it was apparently only from the NBA. He converted to Judaism in 2010 and will play for Hapoel Jerusalem (where he is also a co-owner) in the Israeli League starting next season…

• Derrick Rose’s motion to have the sexual assault civil suit against him dismissed was denied and the case is slated to go to trial during Knicks training camp. The details here for Rose and his friends aren’t pretty…

MMA

• Tyron Woodley stunned Robbie Lawler with the fastest welterweight title fight stoppage in UFC history, ending his night just 2:12 into the first round with a brutal right hand to the face…

CFB

• Disgusting revelations continue to pour out of Baylor. New reports claim administrators threatened rape accusers with arrest and/or discipline for underage alcohol use and premarital sex instead of focusing their attention on the rape itself. The only positive thing to come out of Waco in 2016 is the work of Chip and Joanna Gaines…

• Jim Turner (the Dolphins’ O-line coach during the Jonathan Martin saga, currently the O-line coach at Texas A&M) gave an instructional presentation at an Aggies female fan event where his slides provided blocking tips that encouraged the women to “bang him hard” and “spread them again.” Kevin Sumlin suspended Turner for two weeks. We can’t figure out how he still has a job…

Soccer

• Former USMNT World Cup phenom Julian Green scored a hat trick in the first 35 minutes of Bayern Munich’s win over Inter Milan…

• Zlatan Ibrahimovic needed just four minutes to score his first goal for Manchester United…

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