Sometimes it’s good to shop around and see if other people have the same answers as you to some of life’s toughest questions. Every week, I’ll respond to the best “would you rather” questions that are either tweeted at me @DeVryGuy or emailed to me at firstname.lastname@example.org. Here are my answers to this week’s questions.
@DeVryGuy Would you rather have pubic hair as teeth or teeth as pubic hair?
— Caballo (@__MathYou) November 4, 2015
A proper conundrum. Picture both possibilities here:
1. You’re a disgusting motherfucker whose mouth is just chock full of hair. When you open your mouth underwater it looks like you’re eating a damn sea anemone. Nobody can stand to look at you when you talk, and you’re constantly picking hair out of your mouth because your hair teeth are always falling out. You also have to gargle shampoo in lieu of mouthwash, and it doesn’t taste anything like it smells.
2. You’re a normal, functioning human…until you bring a girl home. God bless any woman brave enough to not jump out your bedroom window, regardless of what floor you live on, after taking a gander at your horrifying Tooth-bic region. While the rest of you is completely normal, your undercarriage looks like an Armadillo’s shell. Not ideal by any stretch of the imagination.
The winner, though, is the latter: teeth as pubic hair. No girl’s going to look at you twice if you have hair teeth, but charm the shit out of a chick and she might just overlook the fact that she can get gingivitis from giving you a blowjob.
@DeVryGuy would you rather shoot heroin into your eye, or lick Nutella out of Danny Devito's ass?
— Daniel Morrison (@Dan_Morrison96) November 4, 2015
This one’s a lot more straight forward. Is this Frank Reynolds Danny DeVito or any other Danny DeVito? I’ve gotta go with the Nutella licking if it’s the Frank Reynolds version, as I think the faint hint of rum ham that would be present would be an interesting addition to the flavor profile. If it’s any other Danny, though, I’m shooting up that heroin. Hopefully the smack would affect me enough to where I legitimately think that I’m licking Nutella out of Frank Reynolds’ dump hole.
Would you rather blow a dude for one minute and he jizzes, or twenty minutes but he doesn’t jizz?
Wow. A truly thought-provoking question that I’m sure every single one of humanity’s greatest minds has pondered at one point or another. The information isn’t all there, though – where does he finish? For the sake of my response, I’m going to say in my mouth, and I have to swallow.
My answer? You take that load. You take it every damn time. Why? Let’s talk.
Let’s not sit here and pretend like once word gets out that you sucked a dick, anybody is going to care about whether or not the dude jizzed.
“You blew a dude? EW, MAN! Oh wait, he didn’t jizz? It’s cool bro, no homo.”
That’s just not how it works. The status and location of the sperm in this situation is not the be-all-end-all for determining whether or not you sucked a dude’s dick – that title belongs to the status of a penis being in your mouth. Which it was, for twenty damn minutes.
Speaking of which, you just blew a dude for twenty minutes and he didn’t cum? Not only did you just suck a dude’s dick, you weren’t even good at it. I’m pretty sure that’s the worst part of either of the two options, which is saying something given their ramifications. If you’re going to do something, do it right.
I’m taking that load..
Image via Shutterstock