The Weekly Would You Rather: Small Holes

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Nice Move


Sometimes it’s good to shop around and see if other people have the same answers as you to some of life’s toughest questions. Every week, I’ll respond to the best “would you rather” questions that are either tweeted at me @DeVryGuy or emailed to me at Here are my answers to this week’s questions.

Have you ever heard of a kidney stone? They’re like four times smaller than marbles and supposedly cause worse pain than child birth. True story: my boy Bootystank Joe got a kidney stone right at the start of freshman year. Just a real inopportune time to have a rock in your dick hole. When we would bop around to random house parties like little clueless froshes, Joe would wear a drawstring backpack. Its lone content? A funnel with a strainer in it. Joe’s doctor required him to pee into this funnel while the stone was still in him to catch it when it passed so it could be analyzed afterwards. Imagine trying to get laid wearing a drawstring backpack – you’re already shooting yourself in the foot. Now stick a pee-soaked miniature colander in there and see if any girl will stand within 35 feet of you. Prospects were looking bleak for Joey Bag O’ Funnel. Despite this severe hindrance, Joe still hooked up with a chunker in a kid on my floor’s brother’s bathroom. Legendary.

But yeah, my b-hole is made for passing solids. My urethra is made for passing liquids. I’m gonna shit out that softball.

Would you rather get 2-for-1 drinks the rest of your life or half-off drinks the rest of your life?

At first glance, this seems like a redundant question. Upon further analysis, however, it’s far from it. I may have gotten a C in Econ 101, but hear me out. 2-for-1 drinks and half-off drinks, while you might think of them as the same special, are actually only the same special in one specific circumstance: you are going to the bar to buy two of the same drink. That doesn’t happen very often if you think about it (not including going to buy a round of shots). Usually if you’re buying two drinks, one’s for you and one’s for a girl. Are you and the girl drinking the same thing? That’s nice… maybe. Follow this handy flow chart to find out.

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Unless you and your girl are both getting a beer, you shouldn’t be ordering the same thing as her. That’s society’s rule, not mine. Variety is the spice of life, and that’s why half-off drinks is the clear winner.

These are both terrible options. Could you imagine whipping your shirt off at the beach and revealing bread plate-sized nipples that are bigger than the pecs they sit on? Alternatively, could you imagine having to wear a jacket whenever you go near a hot dog stand because, if you don’t, the vendor accuses you of stealing hot dogs and stuffing them down your shirt?

At its core, this question’s response draws from the same logic as the “would you rather have pubic hair as teeth or teeth as pubic hair?” question I answered in last week’s edition. Is it better to put your hideous cylinders out in plain sight for everyone to see, hoping that you’ll meet people who accept you for who you are? Or, is it better to keep your disgusting truth hidden, only revealing your frisbees to someone after you feel you’ve made a good enough impression on them?

You’ve gotta go with the latter. People are just too judgmental. Plus, you can always lie and say you lost a bet and had to get extra areolae tattooed around your nipples to make them look humongous.

Check out last week’s edition of The Weekly Would You Rather:

The Weekly Would You Rather: Oversize Load

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