There Is Now A Pokémon Themed Dating App, America Is Doomed

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Recently, Pokémon Go has taken over the world. Everyone and their grandmother has spent all their time walking around staring at their phone catching fictional, mythical monsters with a straight face. Our anti-social society has been taken a step further and we now have even less reasons to make eye contact with each other. Grown men and women are dedicating a serious amount of energy and passion into catching Pokémon. All day. Every day. 2016 is fucking weird, man.

The silver lining in the Pokémon Go phenomenon is that it IS dragging tons of people out of their houses and into public — even if they’re only looking down at their phone — and the market has caught onto a great opportunity and is looking to capitalize on this silver lining by forcing these fuckers to socialize with each other. That’s why there is now a Pokémon Go dating site. These seemingly mature adults are flushing their lives down the toilet trying to catch digital Japanese pocket monsters like 11-year-old virgins from 1999? Well let’s at least help ’em out a little and get them to try to have sex with each other. It’s brilliant. It’s admirable.

So, this brings us to PokeDate.

From USA Today:

PokeDates, the inevitable dating website created to seize upon the Pokemon Go phenomenon. Pokemon trainers can sign up for the service online, which offers the first date for free with the code, “POKEDATES2016.” After sharing their training schedules and answering a few personal questions, trainers are matched up on a hot Pokemon Go date.

The new dating app that spells the end for America as we know it. Do you hate Trump and hink he’s the biggest threat to America? Or do you hate Hillary and think she’s the biggest threat to America? Well either way, you’re wrong. PokéDate is the biggest threat to America. Ever.

Here’s how it works, Pokémon Go users sign up for the service online, and the first date is free if you use the code “POKEDATE2016.” After this, 2 different “Pokémon trainers” (barf) share their “training schedules” (double barf), answer some personality questions and are set up on a hot date. I can only assume 97% of these “dates” will contain 0% contact and will end with both parties masturbating and crying alone at home later that night.

Here’s where it gets fucked up, though. After that, every date costs $20. Fellas, you already know how expensive dates can already be. There’s drinks, the dinner, the movie tickets, the popcorn at the movie, gas money. Now if you’re a PokéNerd, you gotta add a $20 service charge to all of that for some other hopeless nerdy chick that won’t even say more than 2 full sentences to you since she’ll be too shy and awkward to take a break trying to catch ’em all.

It’s like a shittier Tinder except at least Tinder is free. Plus on PokéDate you catch Pikachu, and on Tinder you just catch syphilis.

America is doomed, guys. This is it. We had a good run. We’re fucked. We had some good times, some memorable moments. But make no mistake, this is the end.

[via USA Today]

Image via Pokedate

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