There’s A Fucking NFL Game Tonight

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Finally. No longer will SportsCenter be dominated by Dominican men in flat bills flailing around to catch little white balls with red stitching. The age of groundouts and pop flies is over. The time for touchdowns and titties has come.

There’s a fucking NFL game tonight.

Just when the ass-shaped indentation in your couch was beginning to fade, and your girlfriend was kinda starting to like you again, football returns in all its glory. Bone-crushing sacks. Infuriating pass interference calls. Face-caving stiff arms. Totally unwarranted challenge flags. Mind-boggling clock management. Inexplicable interceptions. All the things you love and hate and miss more than your dead grandmother, they’re all back.

And thankfully, tonight’s game is a pretty good one: Seahawks and Packers. The defending champs, fresh off a Super Bowl win in which they thoroughly embarrassed the most proficient offensive team in league history, up against Aaron Rodgers and the Packers. A truly elite quarterback squaring off with what might be the most terrifying defense I’ve ever seen. Are you fully erect yet? I am.

You know the NFL is doing it right when a diehard fan of the only team currently toting a 14-game losing streak is so pumped about the season that he wants to Hulk Hogan his t-shirt. I don’t even care that Ryan Fitzpatrick is the starting quarterback for the Texans, and I’ve made peace with the fact that finishing 8-8 this season would be viewed as a massive step forward. I just want to see Jadeveon Clowney and J.J. Watt sever Andrew Luck’s head from his body. Actually, fuck no I don’t, because Luck is the starting quarterback on one of my fantasy teams.

Holy shit! Fantasy football! How am I just now mentioning fantasy football? There’s nothing better than talking an endless stream of shit to a close friend or coworker just because your imaginary online football team pounded his imaginary online football team. What a magical time we live in. My priorities are already so mixed up that I have no idea who to root for tonight. I took the Packers +6, have Seattle’s defense in fantasy, and despise Pete Carroll as a human being. No matter who wins, I win. Or maybe I lose. Does it really matter? FOOTBALL.

So prepare your mind, because there’s a fucking NFL game tonight. I might wear tear away pants to the bar just so I can rip them off and do the shmoney dance after the first big hit.

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