“When it comes crashing down and it hurts inside”
-Rick Derringer, recounting the first time he had sex on camera with the Hulkster
Whatcha gonna do, Brotherrr, when Hulkamania’s dong runs wild on the World Wide Web?
For months now, there had been rumors of a Hulk Hogan sex tape flying around the Internet, but no one had any proof that it actually existed. That all changed this week when the video finally got leaked, and I have to say, this might be the greatest piece of stolen footage to ever hit the web. Honest to God, it puts Pam Anderson-Tommy Lee to shame.
Quick background. Hulk Hogan is a wrestler, and was married at the time this was filmed. Bubba the Love Sponge, a famous radio DJ or something, is his best friend. The lady allegedly involved in the video is Heather Clem, hereafter known as Naked Chick or the ex-Mrs. Love Sponge. That’s right- Hulk’s banging his best friend’s ex-wife.
Obviously, we can’t put the video here, but here are a few highlights from the Mona Lisa of voyeuristic smut.
-The video opens with the Hulkster showing the ex-Mrs. Love Sponge just why they call him Thunderlips, when out of NOWHERE, some other dude off-camera stops the parade to give them a tongue lashing of his own.
“Alright, um, you guys do your thing. I’ll be in the office if you need me,” the third wheel of this Triple Threat Match says dejectedly, before Hulk power stares him out of the room. Who the fuck was this guy? Ultimate Warrior? Iron Sheik? Bubba the Love Sponge himself? Was he just sitting in the corner watching and doing the one man choke slam? MAJOR plot twist, and we are only TWO seconds into this thing! WHAT IS GOING ON?!
-Hulk flawlessly pulls off the “I should be home with my wife right now” routine as he simultaneously leans into Naked Chick’s mouth, hands behind his head (POWER STANCE), to get an oral massage, when all of a sudden…
-His phone goes off, and it’s the most gloriously time-appropriate ringtone EVER: The song is his daughter Brooke singing about (what sounds like) having an affair. “They don’t know nothin’ bout us!” So true, Hulk. So true. They DON’T know nothin’ bout us. Now come over here and let me get back to putting your strudel in a sleeper hold.
-To all you lady Hulkamaniacs out there- don’t you lose one wink of sleep over the effects of steroids on the Hulkster’s ween. By the looks of things, Hulk is still taking his vitamins and drinking his milk on the reg. I’m talking SERIOUS pipe, people.
-Even with those 22-inch pythons going on, Hulk Hogan likes it on bottom during bouncy-bounce. Never would’ve guessed.
-While Mrs. Love Sponge attends to the “go wipe yourself off” memo, Hulk lets the belt notch know three separate times that he “ate like a pig today”. He DESPERATELY wanted that “No, babe, you’re not fat” compliment. That’s right, boys and girls. Your 12 time World Champion, the very same guy who power slammed Andre the Giant in front of 93,000 witnesses at the Pontiac Silverdome, is secretly a 19-year old sorority girl.
-As she lies in bed, Hogan tries to Hulk Up his ego a bit by telling Mrs. Love Sponge about how his son’s girlfriend’s twin sister wants to do a little figure four lock with the champ. Even for Hulk, that takes some balls. Steroid-ravaged balls that look like sundried tomatoes that someone tried to rehydrate (h/t Bacon), but BALLS nonetheless.
-Naked Chick’s response to this sweet little pillow talk? “You’re a hot commodity.” To which Hulk replies, “Yeah, right.” SOMEONE GET THIS MAN A HUG!
-The last thing Hogan says before leaving the room? “You’re awesome.” Classic Hulkster Move.
What a great day. God bless you, Hulk Hogan.