College football is just around the corner, and with it comes the promise of countless happy (and sad) Saturdays. With that being said, every team needs a song that epitomizes their culture. These are those songs.
Alabama Crimson Tide: “A Career of Evil” by Blue Oyster Cult
This has to be Nick Saban’s anthem. With lyrics like “I want your wife to be my baby tonight” and “I’d like to do it to your daughter on a dirt road,” you can bet that rings true for Lane Kiffin as well. Unless you’re a homer, I think we can all agree that Bama is the current evil empire of college football.
Louisiana State Tigers: “Big Brother” by Kanye West
LSU has been taking Bama’s shit for too long. Despite being widely considered the afterthought in the relationship, guys like Jamal Adams, Kendall Beckwith, and, of course, Leonard Fournette coming into the year with a chip on their shoulder could mean bad news for Big Brother.
Ole Miss Rebels: “Take The Money And Run” by The Steve Miller Band
The Rebels really lived up to their name during the offseason. Luckily, for guys like Laremy Tunsil, a lot of their guys got that sweet recruiting bonus and dipped out for greener pastures.
Georgia Bulldogs: “Here Comes That Sinking Feeling” by The Eurythmics
This season, like every season, the Bulldogs come in full of big dreams and bigger expectations. Fans are clamoring for more, but by the time conference play gets in full swing, UGA will be shot down by injuries, poor coaching, or plain bad luck. Enjoy your thirtieth consecutive Preseason NCAA Championship, Georgia.
Clemson Tigers: “One Man Can Change the World” by Big Sean, ft. Kanye West and John Legend
Deshaun Watson looks like he might be the most dynamic player in the nation this year. After Clemson’s close trip to the sun last year, fans are hungry for a championship. Is Watson the guy to change that sad story into a bright new world? Only time will tell.
Florida State Seminoles: “Fuck Y’all” by Ty Dolla $ign ft. YG
The ‘Noles caught a lot of heat last season. Between their “state champ” rings and some off the field troubles (what the hell, entire state of Florida?), they’ve been a source of constant digging. Unfortunately for the doubters, FSU looks damn good. All that billboard material is about to bite the competition hard. Their FEBU mentality is about as strong as they come.
Miami Hurricanes: “Can’t Forget About You” by Nas ft. Chrisette Michele
The U has been living in the past for years now. While it’s perfectly fine to say “Miami invented swagger,” the fact that a whole new generation of fans has popped up since 30 for 30: The U was broadcast is just annoying. Instead of talking about how hard Ed Reed hit a guy, or how Bernie Kosar could throw a football over them mountains, it’s time to wake up and try to move forward.
Louisville Cardinals: “Victim of Circumstance” by Santana
At its core, Louisville is a very good football team. Unfortunately, they’re trapped playing the ‘Noles and the Tigers in a year when both programs are capable of winning the whole damn thing. If the Cardinals can start recruiting, and catch either of the aforementioned titans sleeping, then things could change. For now, their own conference is going to butcher them.
Oklahoma Sooners: “You Never Met a Motherfucker Quite Like Me” by Kid Rock
The Sooners are the class of the Big-12 and it’s not even close. Between a high-powered offense, and being one of only two teams fielding an above-average defense, they’re ready to kick the competition’s teeth in. By the end of the regular season, Baker Mayfield is sure to be beating his chest and shouting this jam’s chorus. That is, until another playoff team reminds him that “there’s more to (football) than you.”
Baylor Bears: “Jumper” by Third Eye Blind
The Waco kids sure as hell want to put the past away, and quickly. The nightmare of an offseason has to be taking its toll on the team. Criminal misconduct and subpar seasons might fly at Utah State, but they sure as hell aren’t going to stand for a team that has tasted success as recently as Baylor. Naturally, it could all be erased if the Bears did the right thing and told the players in the wrong to jump in a lake.
Texas Longhorns: “You’re So Vain” by Carly Simon
This song is about you, Longhorns. Every year, it’s the same damn thing. A glorious resurgence, dozens of awards and merits, and complete dominance of a conference that has been stuffing your shit since Colt McCoy went full spaghetti-armed. Keep living in your fantasy world, UTA, because it’s the only happiness you’ll find this year.
Kansas Jayhawks: “Yakety Sax” by Various Artists
Just kinda self-explanatory.
Stanford Cardinal: “Dirty White Boy” by Foreigner
You can’t deny that C-Mac fits all the above criteria, and you also can’t deny that he’s a front-runner for the Heisman in 2016. Is there more to Stanford’s team than that? Absolutely, but this is journalism and they don’t pay me to be a fucking crème puff. Get used to terms like “deceptive speed” and “versatile.”
Southern California Trojans: “You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feelin’” by The Righteous Brothers
Oh, how SoCal fans love to look back on the days of Pete Carroll and company. How they relish the days when Leinart and Bush teamed up to make magic happen. Sadly, those days are over. Despite a stellar recruiting class, USC looks to be staring down the barrel of another disappointing season. The magic just isn’t there anymore, and something tells me Clay Helton won’t be the guy to bring it back.
UCLA Bruins: “Stuntin’ Is A Habit” by David Banner, Jim Jones, Yung Joc, and Chris Brown
I’m sold on Josh Rosen and the Bruins. Not only is their QB1 a rebel with a cause, he happens to be leading a pretty stellar group of players in 2016. The defense is stout and Jim Mora Jr. has been stuntin’ like his daddy since day one. Expect some killer press conferences and even better on-field performances.
Oregon Ducks: “Who Can It Be Now” by Men At Work
There are just so many questions looming for the Ducks. Who’s playing QB? Will the defense be as porous this year? How did things fall so hard so fast? Brady Hoke doesn’t know, and neither do the rest of us.
Ohio State Buckeyes: “You Know I Got It” by JAY Z ft. Rick Ross
Despite last year’s shocking finish at the hands of Michigan State and the presence of Jim Harbaugh at UM, OSU is here to fuck shit up. Expect Urban and his bad boys to have fans and opponents yelling “Hail Caesar” by the end of the regular season. The Buckeyes are revved up for another Big 10 title.
Michigan Wolverines: “We’re Back” by DMX ft. Eve and Jadakiss
The Wolverines made it apparent last year that this isn’t Rich Rod or Brady Hoke’s sad squad anymore. Michigan is back under Coach Jim Harbaugh, and they’re ready to show it. A monster defense and improved special teams are going to go after ball carriers like a red nose, and the offense is set to show folks that they can match that intensity.
Michigan State Spartans: “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road” by Elton John
It was a good run, Sparty, but it looks like that championship window closed faster than Connor Cook’s mouth after that dismantling from Alabama. Time to go back to the plow and wait for basketball season.
Wisconsin Badgers: “The Sound of Silence” by Simon & Garfunkel
For the deafening noise in Camp Randall Stadium after a big fat L, you’d think fans would rise beyond a low rumble, but that doesn’t appear to be the case for Bucky and friends. It’s a hard knock life.
Good luck this year. Here’s hoping we all make it through in one piece..
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