It’s no secret that the athletes’ housing at the Olympic Village is one of the raunchiest places on Earth. When you take a bunch of amped-up, godlike athletes at the pinnacle of their youth and beauty and jam them in a tight, high-stress environment, you’re bound to get what Wally Bryton recently called a “giant fuck fest.”
For obvious reasons, athletes took to using Tinder like wildfire. Now that the games are over, everyone’s favorite hook-up app has publicly announced which type of sport is the sexiest based on athlete “right swipes.” Let’s look at the numbers, via Mashable:
4. Sport Shooting
Best News For You:
If you’re anything like me, once you heard about the behind the scenes orgy at the Olympics, you wracked your brains looking for an obscure sport a shitty athlete like you could sneak your way through the qualifiers of to get in on the action.
Sport shooting is on that list at #4. Granted, you have to be an amazing shot. You’re probably still better off moving to a small island nation and being the only person there that knows how to curl (Cool Runnings style). But at least with sport shooting, you don’t need to be superhumanly fast and strong to still get a berth in the top 6 sexiest sports. Time to dust off the old pump-action, boys.
Plus, the USA came in 4th behind Italy and China in terms of total medal count in sport shooting this year, which is unacceptable. It’s your patriotic duty to fucking do something about that.
Biggest Upset: Swimming/Basketball
Okay, gymnastics, judo, boxing, weightlifting. Highly physical sports requiring lots of muscle mass and strength. Makes sense. I even get tennis, because guys like Federer can charm the pants off of a nun. But I’m surprised the swimmers and the basketball team didn’t crack this list.
Swimmers first: basically all of them have washboard abs, and the medal concentration at least among the Americans is dense. Phelps being the most decorated Olympian in history ought to be like a gravity well of sexiness, pulling in right swipes like a black hole. My only explanation is that as many right swipes as Phelps brought in, they must have been canceled out 1:1 by Lochte’s gross hair. Either that or the general pale, clamminess of swimmers.
The basketball players just don’t use Tinder, I’m thinking. They don’t need to. They had girls hand delivered to their cruise ship.
1. Table Tennis
2. Field Hockey
Biggest Upset: Volleyball
Table Tennis and Field Hockey at #1 and #2? Okay, I do not understand this list. Women that play kind of lesbian sports are super hot for some reason? Where the fuck is volleyball?
Come on Olympians, get your heads in the game..
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Image via YouTube