Things Going Through Your Head While Hungover in an 8AM Class

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Oh thank you sweet merciful God! A bomb threat! Peace, I’m out.

I might seriously consider suckin’ a D if it meant we could watch a movie in class today. I don’t care if this is college algebra, put on Stand and Deliver or something, just get it done.

I’m way too drunk to care about the dirty looks I’m getting for eating this giant, chorizo filled breakfast burrito.

I’m going to shit my pants.

I’ve got a horrendous beer fart brewing. Who’s around me? Only geeds? Cool. They’re gonna cry havoc after I let slip this fart of war. HA! That’s funny because I’m in an English class.

Fuck.this.Professor/TA/Pretty Much Anyone Really

Even if this TA could speak English I wouldn’t be able to understand them right now.

Find the girl with the biggest bag and ask her if she has any ibuprofen.

Goddammit! She didn’t have any ibuprofen. But I bet she’s got enough tampons in there to build a levy. This is bullshit.

I hope no one else can smell the sex on me.

Actually, I hope they can.

I hope what’s her name isn’t still passed out in my bed when I get back.

A pledge is going to pay for this.

If there isn’t a quiz today I’m going to kick this professor in the throat for making me show up for nothing.

This may be the inebriation, extreme exhaustion, and intense headache talking, but I’m legitimately considering changing my major right now. Is “Afternoon Studies” a thing?

I need a stronger Adderall dosage.

If all the breakfast at the house is gone by the time I get back I’m going to light a kitten on fire…well, after I go back to sleep for six hours.

Thank God I drank so much Rumpleminz last night. Didn’t need to brush my teeth this morning.

(*audibly groans*) No one gives a FUCK! (*teacher pauses before continuing the Bosnian genocide lecture*)

If I have to get up to go to the bathroom I’m just fucking leaving.

There’s a 20% chance I’m not even in the right class right now.

What’s the etiquette on leaving a class fifteen minutes in? Just sprinting out? Quick and easy like a Band-Aid, right?

My body is completely working against me right now. I have to sneeze, but if I do I know the force will make me shit. I also have to fart, but if I do it’s gonna be terrible, and the smell will probably make me puke, and if I puke I’m definitely going to shit. Time to clench up and ride out the storm.

There’s a 20% chance I’m still blacked out. Should I take notes just to prove to myself that I was here? Nah, fuck it.

Look at that fresh faced smiling douchebag over there. If I was physically able right now I’d throw him down the stairs.

Oh shit, the professor’s looking for someone to call on. Don’t make eye contact. Act like you’re writing something. Guuuhhhh I can’t remember how to make letters. Fuck it, just draw circles until they call on someone else.

If I keep showing up this drunk to class I’m gonna have to force myself to take the exam drunk just to remember everything. Isn’t that how that works?

I really hope there isn’t a dick drawn on my forehead right now.

If this asshole didn’t want me to fall asleep he shouldn’t have set the thermostat to 78 degrees.

I honestly might retain more of this information if I fall asleep and have a lucid dream about it. Inception! What up!

Somehow, this was all still worth it, and I’m absolutely going to do it again. Looks like two lessons went unlearned today.

***


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Nice Move

Bacon

Bacon is Director of Video Content and a Senior Writer for Total Frat Move, Rowdy Gentleman, and Post Grad Problems. He is a graduate, without honors, from the University of Missouri. His fake best-selling novel series, The Frat Romance Novel, has been self-described as a "pioneering achievement in satirical erotica." Bacon is originally from St. Louis, and currently lives in Austin, Texas. He still has not admitted to his family what he does for a living, and is prone to having wet nightmares ever since losing his virginity in a haunted house. Email: rob@grandex.co

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  1. 3
    Parachutist

    Remember to vote for Bacon/Dick Perry for President and VP of TFM. They are running on the “WHERE THE FUCK IS FAIL FRIDAY????” platform.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
  2. 1
    fratmydickbitch

    God dammit, I thought we were over the lists…..however, I do enjoy the “Stand and Deliver” reference, pretty sure I’ve watched that movie at least once a year in school since 8th grade.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
  3. 0
    War Damn USA

    Dear God you just wrote exactly what I was thinking during my spanish lecture this morning. What a great piece of literature.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
  4. 0
    FratProphet93

    WHERE THE FUCK IS FAIL FRIDAY IM HUNGOVER AND CANT MOVE MY RIGHT LEG CAUSE MY LEG CRAMPED UP LIKE SNOOKIS VAGINA SO FAIL FRIDAY IS THE ONLY THING I HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD TO BUT I EVERY TIME I REFRESH THIS GAY AS HELL WEBSITE IT ISNT HERE FDAKF;DJAKL;FJDKL;AFJDASKL;FJDAKL;

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • 0
      2ironking

      I’m so hungover and it’s all I have right now. I just want to read it. I would enjoy if you uploaded it, it’s already 1:15 in the afternoon and I am mad.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago

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