Things I’ve Learned From Greek Gossip Websites

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If you’ve ever searched for information regarding a specific chapter of a Greek organization, you’ve more than likely stumbled across a Greek gossip website. These sites are an aggregate of campus gossip so smutty that it could give the National Enquirer a run for its money. Of course, the threads would always provide some quality entertainment while I was on the john, but I was always left to wonder who would actually post in these God-awful discussions. Even worse, who would actually believe the garbage that was being written? I decided to peruse through my campus’s respective gossip forum for a little bit of information, and here’s what I’ve gathered:

EVERYONE has an STD.

This has to be one of my favorite topics on any Greek Gossip site. For some reason, people just LOVE outing others’ sexually transmitted diseases over the internet. Good thing for internet anonymity, otherwise these threads of exposing who has what would be even more informative. I can only imagine if these conversations happened in real life.

“Hey, did you know Chad in Beta has the clap?”
“How’d you figure that one out?”
“Uh….my friend told me?”

End of conversation. If you are commenting in one of these threads, it’s pretty obvious that you are either a fantastic carrier for whatever disease you’re calling the person out for or you never got a call back after a one night stand. You can bash him all you want; either way, you were still his mistake. 

There is always a girl who has slept with every guy in a specific fraternity.

I’m no mathematician, but when I thought about whether or not it would be logistically possible for a chick to sleep with EVERY guy in one fraternity, I threw up in my mouth a little. Say your average house has between 100-120 guys in it. In order to be able to sleep with that many guys, this poor girl would have to be banging a different one every night. There would also have to be a little overlap…that’s the part that made me want to throw up. I know there is the occasional “groupie” of any given house on row, but even she isn’t breaking fifty percent. 

Just think about it how busy this girl would be trying to accomplish this task. She’d not only be taking dick while studying for tests, she’d be taking dick while TAKING tests. She’d be so busy taking dick she’d fail everything…well except her STD test, but apparently everyone has an STD. But the real reason this thread is utter bullshit isn’t because a girl couldn’t take on an entire fraternity, it’s because…

Everyone in that specific fraternity is actually gay.

That’s right, Suzie Sleeps-a-lot wasn’t taking any dick at all. She was playing Katie Holmes for a group of 120 dudes who were trying to throw everyone off the scent. One of the most absurd threads you may come across on a gossip site is the “Gay House” topic. It will normally consist of a bunch of people targeting one house on row as being universally homosexual. Here’s the funny thing about that: if EVERY member of a Greek organization was homosexual, no one would be gossiping about it. It would be pretty fucking obvious what was going on, and chances of that happening would be slim to none given the homophobic stigma that floats around Greek life. Here’s what even more hilarious–when a bunch of homophobes sit around gossiping about who is gay or isn’t, it makes people wonder. Most of the time the person leading the gay witch hunt would secretly prefer to be on the broomstick. Talk about calling your nose gay to make the rest of your face seem straight.

Every sorority recruited the most beautiful/fugtastic pledge class this year.

“Our new pledge class is perfect.” Obviously this is something that everyone has heard since recruitment was invented. Girls will always love their new babies, and this will creepily set them up for wanting a bunch of them five years into post-grad. However, five minutes after PNM’s run to their new homes marks the beginning of one of the cattiest fucking gossip threads imaginable: Pledge Class rankings. You know how PanHellenic girls always go on about “Pan Love?” Yeah, that shit goes completely out the window when girls start getting stacked up against one another. Throw a little anonymity in the mix and things get really interesting. From obvious self-promotion to girls posing as guys, these threads devolve into the exact reason people make fun of Greek life for being superficial. At the end of the day what girls should realize is this: if you’re hot, I’m going to want to bang you. Fuck letters, fuck tiers, I honestly couldn’t give a shit about your last homecoming pair, because if you are either attractive or fun to party with, you will be fine. 

Every house hazes really hard…and really gross.

Before these gossip websites were even really big, you always heard stories about the senseless, depraved shit that actives would do to their pledges. Come senior year of high school, tales of elephant walks and soggy biscuits would be the talk of the lunch table, and no one was ever too sure what to really think. Some kid heard that SAE made you drink a jug of piss, another girl’s second cousin was in Alpha Chi and they made their new members sit on a dryer while they circled their fat spots. Keep in mind, I heard all of this in high school…and NOTHING has changed. Those urban myths are still perpetuated on these gossip sites, and do you know why? It’s because you would need to have the maturity of a 16 year old to take any of this shit seriously.

Internet gossip sites are essentially just the shitters of the internet, and everyone has a sharpie.  The fact that anyone could take what is written in these threads as more than trivial gossip is pretty hilarious to me. It’s like if you walked into a bathroom stall and really thought you were going to get the best hummer of your life if you called the number scribbled above the toilet paper dispenser. You have to take everything with a grain of salt and learn to laugh at ridiculous stuff that’s written on there.

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I am a proud University of Florida graduate with a degree in political science. I decided to stray from the lavish career path of a political scientist to join the Grandex team in December of 2013. When I'm not suffering from a panic attack, snacking at the Rowdy Gentleman office, or writing my bio in first person, I enjoy terrible found footage horror movies, brunch, and occasionally producing content for TFM and PGP.

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