7 Things That Need To Stay In 2014

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Even the greatest country on earth has its shortcomings, or, more to the point, people in it that just plain suck. Let’s discuss these shortcomings and get them corrected with some New Year’s resolutions that Americans should be making for themselves, but won’t, and even if they did, wouldn’t keep anyway. This will read more like an airing of grievances, which is fine, since Festivus was only a week ago.

I’ve got a lot of problems with you people! Now, you’re gonna hear about it.

1. Talking about Netflix and Chipotle.

When did these become pop cultural phenomenons? Every white person in America is binging on Chipotle and Netflix like there is a limited supply of both, which is fine since they’re both cool and all, but why must you always discuss them? We don’t need to read about it or see pictures of it on social media every day. Eat your burrito, watch your series, and shut the fuck up.

2. “Your” vs. “you’re” mixups.

When you mix these up, anything you’ve ever said in your entire life is immediately discredited in my mind, because you’re obviously a moron. The rules for the usage of each of these words are very simple, and very sensical. Figure it out, then write a grammatically flawless letter to every English teacher from your past explaining to them how they’ve failed you. Also, apostrophes. Holy shit. Set aside half an hour of your day and learn to use these like you were supposed to in third grade. Fucking heathens.

3. Idolizing assholes.

Because someone is uniquely talented, it doesn’t make them a deity of some sort. They’re assholes like the rest of us, many times even more so. Reference the replies to any Justin Beiber or Chris Brown tweet or Instagram post to see the kind of idiots who idolize these terrible people. It’s a vast, terrifying cesspool of lost souls. Enjoy their music? Fine. Put this low-life garbage on a pedestal? You’re just as scummy as they are, just without the money or fame. Parents, do better.

4. Sports turning you into an asshole.

The highs aren’t as high as the lows are low, are they? Winning is cool, but losing is hell. It turns me into an asshole. It turns everyone who’s passionate about their team into an asshole. I’ve consciously–and sometimes even audibly–pulled against the favorite teams of some of my closest friends simply because I didn’t want them to experience joy that was, at the time, unattainable for me, due to the sucking of my team.

5. Your shitty golf game.

A man’s golf swing will tell you a lot about his character, fair or not. You’re not impressing your girlfriend’s father or a potential employer if you’re a hack. You don’t have to be a scratch golfer, but practice enough that you’ll at least appear to know what you’re doing out there, like you care, so it’s not a miserable five hours for you and everyone in your group. You’ll likely be playing for the rest of your life. Might as well enjoy it.

6. The term “try-hard.”

This website was based on a humorous exaggeration of the fraternity lifestyle–a joke. To be a try-hard was something that was lauded three years ago, because it wasn’t taken seriously, as intended. Somewhere along the way, this changed. Now, so many of you try so damn hard NOT to be labeled a try-hard, that calling someone a “try-hard” has come full circle. Look in the mirror. You’re now the try-hard.

7. Parody Twitter accounts.

The uprising of popular parody accounts on Twitter has become the bane of my existence. These accounts steal your material, present them as their own via copy/paste, and make a lot of money doing it. The owners of these accounts are unoriginal thieves of your intellectual property, and they’re scumbags. Fuck them. All of them.

Happy New Year. Holy Shit. Where’s the Tylenol?

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