This Florida Kappa Delta Can Kick Your Ass, Because She’s An Actual Ninja…A Hot Ninja

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Meet Micayla Johnson. She’s a Kappa Delta at the University of Florida and a decent, God-fearing American girl. God, by the way, is just about all she fears, because she also happens to be a badass ninja who is a two-time grand national champion in martial arts with a second degree black belt in Kenpo Karate. She could expertly cut you with blades while kicking your face out through your b-hole, should you cross her the wrong way. (Just kidding, she seems incredibly nice–terrifyingly deadly, but nice.) Check out her routine at the 2013 AKA Grand Nationals, and prepare your fear boners, gentlemen.

For some reason, I have this fantastic mental image of someone opening a door for Micayla on a date. She politely refuses, waits until the door is closed, and then smashes through it with a flying roundhouse kick before sticking the landing and extending her arm out to allow the gentleman to go first.

Is there any question that having a ninja in your sorority would be anything but awesome? If there’s a Peeping Tom yanking one off in the bushes next to a window outside the house, your Srat Ninja would descend silently from above, upside down on a rope, snap the perv’s neck while cheerily saying “Snaps!” and disappear into the night. If you need to steal pref secrets during rush, you’re in luck, because you have a freaking ninja to sneak in and get them. If some drunk asshole wanders by your sisters and says, “Would smash,” Srat Ninja could crush his skull in and quip, “Did smash,” because Srat Ninja is also full of sassy quips. If pledges were sent to steal your sorority’s composite, they would end up brutally beaten for their trespasses (great hazing, by the way, sending the pledges into Srat Ninja’s house). And, God forbid a group of girls is set upon by some prowling gang of rapists, Srat Ninja could END those creeps. I like to imagine that would basically be like the dockyard scene in “Batman Begins,” but sratty. It would start with Srat Ninja throwing a heel to knock out all the street lights, and then, in the darkness, she would take out the rapists one by one. Eventually, the last one would run around screaming, “WHERE ARE YOU?!?!” before Srat Ninja would pop up out of nowhere and whisper, in that same cheery voice, “Here!” before taking him out as he screams like a frightened child. Excuse me while I go pen the movie “Srat Ninja” real quick.

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Micayla was also an incredible lacrosse player in high school, which means she’s probably better at sports than you are, too. God help the rival houses who go up against this girl in intramurals. If ninja movies have taught me anything, it’s that Micayla can probably slam dunk a basketball, because karate.

By all accounts, Micayla is also a great person, which is a relief. I don’t trust those moves in the hands of someone who isn’t a kind-hearted individual.

Keep up the awesomeness, Micayla. You seem like a badass.