News

This News Anchor Storming Off During Kylie Jenner Story Is The Hero We Need

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Much like Caitlyn Jenner’s penis, the world has been turned inside out and backwards from the Kardashian/Jenner news craze. The hysteria has swept across the seven continents, leaving a trail of orange dust, toxic butt-implants, and collective stupidity behind it. I’m fed up. I know you are. And this morning show news anchor captured our frustrations with one bold move.

When the morning’s hard-hitting news topic cued up on the teleprompter – Kylie Jenner’s adoption of a bunny named Bruce – anchorman John Brown threw a fit and stormed offstage while shouting, “It’s a non-story! We’re talking about this family every freaking day on this show! Nobody cares about this family anymore! It’s enough! It’s Friday! I want to have a good Friday! I don’t want to talk about the Kardashians!”

I feel ya, Brown. They ruin my day, too. But you work for a morning talk show. Celebrity gossip comes with the territory. Your job is to talk about the weather, help a single mother prepare a batch of low-fat empanadas from her new cooking book, and dish about celebrities with your leather-skinned co-anchor just long enough to fill the two-hour segment aired in nursing homes as background noise to help the dying and forgotten feel less lonely (Miss Johnson’s gonna kick the bucket any day now, the least you can do is distract her long enough for the nurse to crumble a few grams of anti-psychotic in her oatmeal). Big smile, Johnny! You can’t believe how few carbs are in that dumpling! Ohh my god, isn’t it the best thing you’ve ever tasted?! Dance for the camera, broadcast monkey! DANCE!

If you want to do real journalism, go write for a newspaper. I know you won’t. You’re not in it for the real shit – you just want attention. The glow of the limelight. Same reason you threw a bitch fit on live TV.

Image via YouTube

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Alex Buscemi

AKA Boosh. Former high school back-up wide receiver. Author of two pretty successful Reddit comments. Recent grad from the University of South Carolina.

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