They say the name can make the man. If that’s the case, I’m both grateful for the power move my father pulled on the day of my birth and all around disappointed in both my parents for not having higher aspirations for their new born infant son. Originally, my mom was dead set on naming me Ian James. I.J. Regester. Could you imagine how rough it would have been had I gone through life as an I.J. Fucking brutal. Thankfully, my madre passed out and when they asked for a name my father responded with, “It sure as shit ain’t I.J. Let’s name the little bastard, Dan.”
Now as much as I appreciate the balls of steel my pops had for calling an audible last second, it’s a little disheartening that he didn’t see bigger and better things in my future. Don’t get me wrong, Dan is a perfectly acceptable and suitable name for a blue-collar, labor union, maintenance worker — and that’s certainly an honorable, humble existence — but that name doesn’t exactly inspire the highest ceiling from the get-go. I was born to be a waterman.
Even the Dans that have exceeded expectations have a bit of an asterisk next to the name. Dan Marino? Never won a Super Bowl. Dan Uggla? Maybe the worst defensive baseball player of all-time. Daniel Craig? Never goes by Dan. Also, Quantum of Solace.
Had I been given a chance and named with greatness in mind, I would undoubtedly be in the NBA right now as a scrappy spot up shooting Dellavedova type. Granted, I’m still surpassing my initial outlook as a frat blogger. Small miracles.
Unlike my mom and pops, other parents seem to understand that the greater the name, the greater the ambition. Take yesterday’s national signing day for example. Not a whole lot of Dans committing to Alabama or Michigan. But we had a Ralphlauren and Qwuantrezz. In fact, there were countless names destined for glory. Yahoo released their All-Name Team for prospects that committed and it is straight fire.
Our team MVP this season is Nebraska signee Dicaprio Bootle. Yes, that’s Bootle with an “l” and not an “i.” Bootle committed to Nebraska over the summer after the Huskers saw him at a satellite camp.
Here are the rest of our All-Name team roster:
• RB Lil’Jordan Humphrey, Texas – This gives us hope that there could be a recruit named Lil’Penny after the Nike Penny Hardaway commercials of the 1990s.
• WR Ralphlauren McCauley, undecided – His nickname, according to his own website, is “Polo” and he’s got offers from Louisiana-Monroe and Texas State.
• QB Messiah deWeaver, Michigan State – Let “The Chosen One” comments begin.
• LB Zach Sandwisch, West Virginia
• OL Brodarious Hamm, Auburn – Such a perfect name for an offensive lineman.
• DE Isaiahh Loudermilk, Wisconsin
• WR Infinite Tucker, UMass
• WR Randrecous Davis, South Carolina
• DE Pookie Maka, Colorado – If Maka has a signature dance, “The Pookie Maka” is catchy enough to be a craze.
• LB Jango Glackin, Northwestern
• DT Boss Tagaloa, UCLA – Another great name for a lineman.
• WR Divine Deablo, Virginia Tech – Deablo is a late add, but we can’t forget about him.
• OL Jakori Savage, LSU
• S Nigel Warrior, Tennessee
• OL Dakota Cru Birdyshaw, Southern Miss
• OL D’Andre Christmas-Giles, Texas
• S Qwuantrezz Knight, Maryland
• ATH Maurice Ffrench, Pitt
• WR Eddie McDoom, Michigan
• RB Natereace Strong, Missouri
• LB Michael Divinity, LSU
• S Brady Breeze, Oregon
• WR Neru N’Shaka, Toledo
Lil’Jordan Humphrey? Infinite Tucker? Isaiahh Loudermilk? Yeah, sky’s the limit for these kids..
Image via Youtube