Three Example Interactions Between a Pledge and a Young Alum on Homecoming: Sober, Drunk, Blackout

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Interaction 1: The Morning (Sober)

Setting: The fraternity open house. Everyone is (relatively) sober.

(*Pledge opens the door for the Young Alum*)

Pledge: Welcome to the house sir. My name is __________.

Young Alum: Oh, hey, I’m not gonna remember that. I’m gonna call you “Door Pledge.” You are a pledge I assume?

Pledge: (*laughs/sighs*) Yeah…

Young Alum: They got you doing this all day, huh?

Pledge: No, we’ll be at the tailgate later, cooking and cleaning and stuff.

Young Alum: Oh, nice. Looks like not much has changed around here. Man, back when I was a pledge, about a hundred years ago (*gives a cheesy elbow nudge*), they worked us all week getting the house ready for homecoming.

Pledge: Guess much hasn’t changed then, because that’s exactly what we did.

Young Alum: (*laughs*) Ah that’s great. God…pledgeship was pretty ridiculous, that’s for sure. (*Leans in close*) You guys have to go through “The Disaster” yet?

Pledge: The WHAT?

Young Alum: Oh shit. You know what? Forget I said anything. Actually no, take this piece of advice first. They’re going to check to see if you’re wearing a cup, but you can still use your thighs protect your junk. They’re gonna get beat up though, so rub some Nyquil on them first, get ‘em good and numb.

Pledge: WHAT!?!

Young Alum: Just remember, Nyquil.

Pledge: I don’t think that’s how it works…

Young Alum: Whelp, the house looks good. As good as it can anyway. See you around man, I’ll be at the tailgate later. Good to meet you.

Pledge: Good to meet you too sir…

Interaction 2: The Tailgate (Drunk)

Setting: Fraternity tailgate, pledges are sober(ish), everyone else is at varying stages of shitfaced.

(*Pledge stands over the grill, cooking burgers, hot dogs, etc. Young Alum approaches, he’s pretty bombed*)

Young Alum: HEYYYYYYY! IT’S DOOR PLEDGE!

Pledge: Hello sir.

Young Alum: Door pledge, whatchu cookin’?

Pledge: Um, burgers and stuff. What you see, basically.

Young Alum: Don’t get fucking smart with me!

Pledge: (*flustered*) Sorry, sir! Sorry!

Young Alum: (*laughs*) Ahhhhhhh! Just fuckin’ with you buddy. Lemme get, ummmm, a cheeseburger.

Pledge: Okay, uh, cool. Here’s your burger. Cheese is over there. (*points to the table behind Young Alum*)

Young Alum: Great. Go get it for me. I’m lactose intolerant, you inconsiderate son of a bitch. I can’t touch cheese with my bare hands.

Pledge: Well why would you even eat cheese then?

Young Alum: FUCK YOU. That’s why. What’re you? My life coach? Put me in coach! I’m ready to GAY! Because I’d be gay if you were my coach. See?

Pledge: Oh right, because…

Young Alum: You’re gay so…

Pledge: So probably by transference my guidance would make you gay. Okay, yeah. I see where you’re going with that.

Young Alum: You got a smart mouth door pledge. What? You suck on a scientist’s dick or something?

Pledge: Um, no?

Young Alum: HA! My dad used to say that to me when I mouthed off. Anyway I’m just…I’m just fuckin’ with you. This burger tastes like shit, by the way. Door pledge you make a better door than a grill.

(*Young Alum chews his burger for a moment, staring directly at Pledge the entire time*)

Young Alum [cont]: HEY!

Pledge: Yes sir?

Young Alum: Door pledge. You’re a pledge, right?

Pledge: Yes sir. Yes I am.

Young Alum: Then tell me where’s the freshmen action at? Where’s all the freshmen girls? I need to talk to someone who’ll be impressed that I’m a lawyer without understanding that because I work in the public defender’s office and am up to my taint in debt that I’m actually poorer than a McDonald’s manager.

Pledge: Oh you’re in criminal law? I’m actually pre-law and am interested in litigation. Any interesting cases lately?

Young Alum: Uh I just repped this schizo, rapist janitor. They found him SUPER guilty though. Wasn’t much I could do. He would’ve gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids…that he raped.

Pledge: JESUS.

Young Alum: Yeah my boss didn’t think that joke was funny either. Hey, you give any more thought to what I told you earlier?

Pledge: About rubbing Nyquil on my thighs?

Young Alum: SHHHHH! Yes! About “The Disaster.”

Pledge: I mean, other than being pretty sure that rubbing Nyquil on my thighs won’t actually numb them? No. Are you sure I’m not supposed to just drink it? That way I get kind of, like, generally numb?

Young Alum: NO! Do not drink it! The last thing you wanna be is whacked out on cough syrup during The Disaster. You’ll have a panic attack. Puke all over. Piss yourself. Shit your pants. Maybe even shit a little blood from the stress.

Pledge: What IS this thing?

Young Alum: I’ve said too much. (*Sees a freshman girl walk by, points*) Door pledge! Is that a freshman?

Pledge: Yeah.

Young Alum: Nice. I’m gonna go tell her I’m Robert Goldwater Jr. and that me and my dad just made a cool ten mil suing some pharmaceutical company because their new insulin gave a bunch of fat kids AIDS.

Pledge: Good luck.

Interaction 3: Night (Blackout)

Setting: The fraternity house, shitfaced alumni are wandering in and out, the pledges are trying to keep the place halfway respectable.

Active: I’m getting the hell out of here. Good luck. Don’t let the place burn down.

Pledge: Where are you going!?!

Active: The bars. This place isn’t safe. Some fucking guy who was a fifth year when I was a pledge just kicked in the stall while I was dropping a deuce and shot a champagne cork at my face. Didn’t even offer me any champagne. Fuck that guy.

Pledge: It’s just pledges and alums? We’re gonna die!

Active: Probably. Try and pull yourself off fraternity property if you start to feel death’s icy grip. Makes us less liable…I think.

(*Active leaves*)

Pledge: Shit…

(*Young Alum bursts in the front door, blackout drunk. He’s holding a duct taped wiffle ball bat, a bottle of Nyquil, and a wasted freshman girl*)

Young Alum: DOOR PLEDGE! Time for THE DISASTER!

Pledge: FUCK.

Freshman Girl: What the fuck are we doing here Bobby?

Young Alum: Bobby?

Freshman Girl: That’s your name.

Young Alum: Oh, yeah, right. I’m Bobby Fucking Goldwater! I CURE AIDS! WHERE IS DOOR PLEDGE!

Pledge: Yes sir?

Young Alum: The Disaster time has come. (*tosses Pledge a bottle of Nyquil*) Apply liberally. But fuck liberals. You know what I mean…

Pledge: Aren’t the actives supposed to do this? And to the whole pledge class?

Young Alum: No. I made all this shit up this morning just to fuck with you, but now I kinda wanna do it. Don’t really know what it involves, just gonna kinda see where the Jim Beam takes me. Probably just gonna hit you in the dick with this bat or something.

Pledge: That’s not hazing. That’s assault.

Young Alum: As an attorney I think I’d know the difference.

Freshman Girl: Bobby you’re soooo hot. Say attorney again.

Young Alum: (*turns to Freshman Girl, in blackout attempt at a smooth voice*) Attron…Attorney.

(*Freshman Girl swoons*)

Pledge: Maybe, instead of hitting me in the dick with a wiffle ball bat while I’m covered in Nyquil, you could just, like, go party with her in an empty room upstairs. Huh?

Young Alum: I’m intrigued. Okay, I’ll make you a deal, if you can say the whole Greek Alpha…

Pledge: (*interrupting, shouting*) Alpha Beta Gamma Delta Epsilon Zeta Eta Theta Iota Kappa Lambda Mu Nu Xi Omicron Pi Rho Sigma Tau Upsilon Phi Chi Psi Omega!

Young Alum: Fuck it. We’re going upstairs. I’m takin’ the Nyquil though. It’s called a RoBlow Jay. If she drinks a little bit of it and blows me it’ll feel like a stranger’s blowing me…’cuz of the numbness.

Pledge: She IS a stranger, and I don’t think you know how Nyquil works. Either way, first door on the left. That room is empty.

Young Alum: FUCK YOU PLEDGE.

(*Young Alum goes upstairs with Freshman Girl*)

Pledge: I have a newfound respect for every active in this chapter.

***


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