Talk about smuggling meat, amiright?!?!? Shit, that lede probably works better on TSM.
Three days ago, three college guys broke into Doc’s Beach House in Bonita Beach, Florida in the middle of the night and stole a whole lot of food, plus a paddle board. Also, for reasons unknown, they were naked.
The three “Naked Bandits” — which is, incidentally, what the criminals call themselves in the porno version of “Home Alone” — made off with 60 hamburger patties, three pounds of bacon, three red peppers, and a paddle board they took off the wall, robbing the restaurant of a key piece of their Jimmy Buffett-style wall flair crap. HOW WILL THE CUSTOMERS KNOW THEY’RE EATING NEAR A BEACH NOW!? They may as well be eating a burger in fucking Ohio. The food can be replaced, but the experience is one of a kind, you heartless bastards.
If this happened in September, it would be safe to assume these were pledges on some dumb mission given to them by a drunk active who probably wouldn’t even remember he sent them by the time they got back. However, being that it’s July, the suspects are a little more difficult to peg. Florida Gulf Coast University is just up I-75 from Doc’s, so it’s decently safe to assume the burger thieves came from there. Maybe these were just three shitfaced, bored fraternity guys who wanted to stock the barren summer fridge? Most fraternity houses are a vast collection of the fruits of misdemeanors, after all. That doesn’t really explain the nakedness though. But hey, they were near the beach, and skinny dipping with your bros can really work up your appetite…I guess. Giggling splash fights really wear you out. Or, perhaps this is sports team hazing? The main problem with that theory is that FGCU doesn’t have a lot of fall sports. There’s cross country and that’s pretty much it. Dammit, who are these naked bandits? Seeing how there is ample security footage of the meat stealing (and swinging) trio, we’ll probably find out soon.
Wouldn’t mind sitting in the courtroom and listening to the judge react to the details of this case, that’s for sure. Though, this is Florida. Judges in that state is probably happy any time a crime doesn’t involve bath salt suppositories or midgets used as drug mules being eaten by the escaped, dangerous, and exotic pets of a coke lord.