I don’t like going to bars because I’m so frat that I get laid every single time I go out. It’s getting to be a burden, really. As soon as I walk up to the front door, the bouncer hands me a mixer of my signature Frangelico and Zima, and I come prepared with $30 in spending money and a 34-pack of condoms–all three of which are gone within literally 19 minutes of me walking in.
Fuck. I can’t do this. I can’t lie to you guys.
I’ma be real with you: I haven’t had sex since that passionate and sexually confusing night I shared with my dog’s peanut butter-filled Kong chew toy the summer before freshman year. Ever since that night, I’ve remained abstinent. I’m really good at it, too. Some people need chastity belts to fight off the urges, but all I have to do is be myself and girls seem to be naturally repelled; I am my own chastity belt.
Since not all of you share this ideology, I won’t withhold Thrillist’s list of the top 33 American college bars from you. I will, however, withhold my judgment of it until you finish reading. Here is the list, with bars ranked in no particular order.
1. Chuck’s – Syracuse
2. Coupe’s – University of Virginia
3. Egan’s Bar – University of Alabama
4. The Max Canada – University of Georgia
5. Manoa Gardens – University of Hawaii
6. Smokey Joe’s – University of Pennsylvania
7. Harry’s Chocolate Shop – Purdue
8. Conor Larkin’s – Northeastern University
9. The Phyrst – Penn State
10. Knight Library – University of Central Florida
11. The Sink – University of Colorado Boulder
12. Duffy’s Tavern – University of Nebraska
13. The Brown Jug – University of Michigan
14. The 901 Bar and Grill – University of Southern California
15. Hemingway’s Café – University of Pittsburgh
16. The College Bar – Oklahoma State
17. The Dixie Chicken – Texas A&M
18. The Boot – Tulane University
19. Stub and Herb’s – University of Minnesota
20. Murphy’s Pub – University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign
21. Pavlov’s of Columbia – University of South Carolina
22. Mary Ann’s – Boston College
23. The Plaza Tavern – University of Wisconsin
24. Grotto Pizza – University of Delaware
25. O’Hara’s (Maloney’s) – University of California, Los Angeles
26. Kilroy’s on Kirkwood – Indiana University
27. Cain & Abel’s – University of Texas-Austin
28. The Wagon Wheel – University of Kansas
29. Olde Queens Tavern – Rutgers
30. Manhattan Pizza & Pub – University of Vermont
31. Shooters II – Duke
32. The Union Bar – University of Iowa
33. McFadden’s – George Washington University
Now, I don’t know 32 of the bars on this list, but I do know one, and it should not be included.
I frequent the Plaza Tavern in Madison, Wisc. As a student at THE DeVry University, I can work from anywhere, and once in a blue moon (alcohol joke) I choose to go to Madison and attend Badger games. The Plaza is nice to go to after said games, because there is usually seating available and the Plaza burger is pretty jizztastic (mostly because their signature Plaza sauce very closely resembles male goo) after a long day of drinking and football. Also, they have an appetizer called “cheddar munchers,” and I always like trying to pick up girls who order them by asking if I can munch their cheddar. Low success rate on that one. Not sure why.
This is not a college bar, though. It is populated by hipsters, townies, and grad students, and it is on the lower end of the spectrum in Madison as far as bar popularity goes. This shows me that whoever put this list together probably has no idea what he’s talking about.
Was he right about your college’s bar? Let us know in the comment section below.
Image via Wikipedia