Throwback Thursday: 5 Reasons Top Gun is the Greatest Movie Ever

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Nice Move

What I’m about to tell you is classified. It could end my career.

There comes a time in every brother’s life where he runs into a confidence problem. After all, life is tough at the top. Heavy is the head that wears the bourbon-stained rope hat. You always have a target on your back. You’ve been busted for MIP, removed from your position as social chair three times, and you have a history of letting the 18-ish year old daughters of alumni buzz your tower during homecoming.

These things happen to the best of us, but just remember: no matter what kind of trouble your pursuit of the American fucking dream gets you in, it is ALWAYS a goddamned pledge’s fault.

So to everyone whose egos are writing checks that your chapter attendance records can’t cash, I want you to locate a pair of aviators, throw on a Kenny Loggins record, and prepare to feel the need. No need to request tower for a flyby. We’re about to take a 4G-inverted dive right into the danger zone, as we take a look at the top 5 reasons why Top Gun is the greatest movie ever.

5. Iceman’s General Outlook On Life

“What’s your problem, Kazanski?”

Answer: he doesn’t have one. The problem is you. You’re everyone’s problem. Lieutenant Tom “Iceman” Kazanski does not appreciate you being dangerous. He has the prototypical 80’s Alpha-male jawline, with a smile whiter than a Mormon wedding. He’s not going to allow some 5-foot-7 Scientologist with a questionable heterosexual record jeopardize his million dollar bite. Iceman was born a winner. He’ll take down anyone who gets in his way, and then he’ll raw dog their grandmother.

4. Kelly McGillis As Charlie Blackwood

Somewhere between the kitchen and playing dress-up, civilian Top Gun instructor Charlie Blackwood got lost and wound up an aeronautical engineer. Thank God for women having a horrible sense of direction. This little nerd is a sizzler. Susceptible to having her breath taken away by foolish lovers’ games, and prone to endangering lives with her rush hour driving habits, Charlie is the kind of gal that you want to put a ring on. Smart. Independent. Strong-willed.

Of course, after you wife her up, she’ll leave the expensive military equipment to the men, and go back to playing Airplane Barbie, leaving moot all of those traits that you fell in love with. But still, isn’t it adorable how smart and independent she is?

3. Playing With The Boys

Just a bunch of scantily-clad dudes playing a casual game of beach volleyball, patting each other on the butts, making sure their hair gel keeps every strand perfectly-placed, and leaping into each other’s arms after a hard-fought IM Sports session.

Nothing gay about that.

2. You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feelin’

You’re at the bar with your closest friends. It’s a target-rich environment. Everywhere you look there are tantalizing skirts and the alluring, long legs that they barely conceal. A middle-aged seductress, possibly a divorcee, sits on a barstool alone, yearning to be serenaded by a gentlemanly caller.

All it takes is a borrowed microphone, a trusty wingman, a perfectly-coordinated power point, and a classic Righteous Brothers tune, and five minutes later you’ll be giving the custodial staff a whole ‘nother reason to sanitize the women’s bathroom.

Bonus points for everyone in this scene heading to Cold One City, USA with a frosty Budweiser in hand. America.

1. You Know, Giving Him The Bird.

This is America, and if you’re not reminding the rest of the world, in the most aggressive way possible, that you come from the greatest country ever and are therefore superior, you can pack your bags and move to Moscow with all the other communists.

If there wasn’t a canopy barricading them inside that cockpit, I have no doubt that Maverick and Goose would’ve jumped right on top of that intercepted MiG, looked the enemy square in the eye, called him a “cocksucker,” and teabagged the son of a bitch for good measure.

Now, I’m not gonna sit here and blow sunshine up your ass. A good brother is compelled to evaluate what’s happened, so he can apply what he’s learned. Up in the castle, we gotta push it. That’s our job. It’s your option, brother. All yours.

R.I.P. Goose.

***

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  1. 1
    fourtyone

    Bacon finally has some competition! Not a single significant grammatical error, either. Well Played, Jparks. Also, fuck liberals.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
  2. 0
    JoshBird22

    Best fuckin’ column ever posted. I fucking love Top Gun. The movie dialogue adjusted to match the situation was gold.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago

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