1. A dragon-embossed longboard will only get you so far in life.
2. You’ll keep getting older, but freshmen girls stay the same age.
3. You’ll always have something in common with successful people wherever you go.
4. Two words: Mom’s Weekend.
5. You’ll pass every group project with flying colors because you’ll be the only one willing to present.
6. You don’t need eight pockets on your shorts to get through college.
7. The worst fraternity house meal is exponentially better than any gourmet vegan meal.
8. Nothing compares to the joy that a fresh batch of pledges brings.
9. The sooner you pledge, the sooner you realize whiskey will solve most problems in your life.
10. You will spend the next four years constantly within arms reach of an alcoholic beverage.
11. When it comes to making college memories, your BAC is a lot more important than your GPA.
12. There will always be someone to give you their opinion (and notes, and tests) on a class they already took.
13. There will always be a brother who “knows a guy.”
14. GDI Girls < Sorority Girls. It’s like fishing in a puddle under a nuclear power plant versus fishing in a stocked pond with an AR-15.
15. The best GDI party is on par with a casual Tuesday afternoon in the Greek world.
16. You’ll learn that your student newspaper is a filthy rag of biased anti-Greek propaganda.
17. Away game road trips are a lot more fun (and safe) when there are 80 of your closest friends talking shit along with you.
18. Gas Station clerks will know you by your first name, and won’t give a fuck about your age.
19. If you’re a girl, you’ll never have to pay for a drink again.
20. Sorority date functions are a dangerous, reckless, and unbelievably good time.
21. You can’t bring a beer to the library, in the fraternity house study room it’s expected.
22. You’ll never have to drink alone.
23. You’ll memorize the drink specials at every single bar by the end of your first semester.
24. You’ll learn the best hangover cures (“My advice is to start drinking heavily.”).
25. Living in the fraternity house is like living in a musty black hole of alcohol-laden insanity. Your GPA will suffer. You will not care.
26. You’ll be able to properly enjoy this website.
27. The parties may end, but the beer will never run out.
28. The highlight of your homecoming week will not have to be the drumline’s performance in the annual student pep-rally.
29. You’ll become part of something big- bigger than the hippie drum circle that is your alternative.
30. Upper thigh tans.
31. “Taking a girl home” from a fraternity party involves nothing more than walking up some stairs.
32. You’ll meet some of the classiest women on campus through sororities, and also some of the most free-spirited cock gobblers. Take your pick.
33. Your alcohol tolerance will skyrocket to a level somewhere between The Incredible Hulk and a rhinoceros.
34. I like seeing a tubed-top bosom as much as the next guy, but you’ve got to appreciate how sorority girls can dress attractively without looking like a Romanian sex slave.
35. Intramural sports will become twice as competitive while somehow remaining half as serious.
36. You’ll never have to worry about an RA in the world of Greek debauchery.
37. An extra year of college is an achievement, not a disappointment.
38. Gameday takes on a whole new meaning, and level of intoxication.
39. Most sorority girls are intelligent enough to go on birth control.
40. You’ll have actual band parties (instead paying your long haired friend $8 to play his shitty interpretation of “Dark Side of the Moon” at your half-kegger).
41. You won’t look like a pussy when you shotgun a beer anymore.
42. Hooking up with a sorority girl as a GDI is as easy as teaching a poli-sci major quantum mechanics equations.
43. The bouncers high five us at the door, the bartenders pour us stronger drinks, and the waitresses know our names.
44. You’ll become right in every argument, even when you’re wrong.
45. One semester of pseudo-slavery is worth the 7+ semesters of free laundry service.
46. The stories you can actually remember will be absolutely epic.
47. Happy Hour isn’t a special occasion, it’s expected on a weekly basis.
48. You’ll make the best friends of your life.
49. You’ll regret it if you don’t.
50. You’ll never regret it if you do.