THROWBACK THURSDAY: Steak & Blowjob Day

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Exactly one month ago today, the esteemed men of the world found themselves shelling out enough hard earned cash on dinners, gifts, and flowers to purchase the equivalent of 17 blowies from Tabatha behind your local Chevron (sure she doesn’t have any teeth, but don’t knock a gumjob until you’ve tried it).

All of this for what? Because a greeting card company told us to? Because the night will inevitably end in a wild sexual encounter?

I’m here to say it, Valentine’s day is a joke of a holiday designed to give the sexless marriages of the world one night per year of horizontal hijinks. Spending hoards of money on an invented holiday solely for the eventual sexual satisfaction makes the girlfriends nationwide seem no better than old Toothless Tabatha.
But fear not men of the world, because we finally have a reason to slave away and put a dollar sign on our affection each February, and that reason comes in the triumphant form of Steak & Blowjob Day.
Steak & Blowjob day consists of exactly what you would expect. A giant slab of good old American meat, seared to your liking, followed by the time honored practice of fellatio. Landing exactly a month after Valentine’s, your good deeds and kindness will still be fresh in her mind, making it extremely simple to convince her to participate in this holiday.

While personally I would prefer the knob-slobbage to occur after my steak (it’s a don’t shit/ejaculate where you eat kind of thing), the truly ambitious can go for simultaneous pleasures.
Regardless of how you choose to celebrate the holiday’s namesakes, the central focus should be the same. This is your holiday, and if you so choose to have the TV tuned in to the Heat vs. Bulls game tonight during your hummer, by God it’s her obligation to let you.

To the ladies out there questioning the validity of this holiday: lighten the fuck up. We trudged through the red and white perfumed hell of department stores for you, we braved that shitty French/Chinese fusion place you wanted to try so bad, and we spent actual money on plants that serve no purpose except slowly dying.
Suddenly one measly steak and a shaft slathering session doesn’t seem so bad, does it? We always make sure to go by the book each February 14th and make you as happy as possible, the least you could do is return the favor a month later.

It’s not like the ladies even have to do much. While we have to scramble around making reservations and getting the perfect heart-shaped box of barely edible chocolates, all the girls have to do is pick up a fresh ribeye and ensure that their gag reflex won’t be getting in the way. It’s a fairly simple endeavor, and any girlfriend who pricks up her nose at the thought of Steak & Blowjob day should be sent walking immediately.

Today is our day gentlemen, and the only way to ensure this holiday gets the mass appeal it deserves is to participate yourselves. I dream of a day when I can peruse the Hallmark aisle and see the perfect “Steak & Blowjob Day” card, nestled snugly between “Happy Birthday Grandpa” and “Keep Jesus in Easter.”
While that day may never come, today is still here my friends. Take note of the deep mental satisfaction you get as you cut through that perfectly seared hunk of cow flesh. Lay back and enjoy that blowjob as Dick Vitale screams his upset picks into the Sportscenter microphone. You deserve it champ, and remember it’s only 364 days until the next Steak & Blowjob Day.


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