Readers of Total Frat Move, I present to you one of the dumbest, most poorly-executed and outrageously unnecessary crimes you will ever read about, especially considering the severity of the punishment.
It would appear Matt Weaver, a member of Tau Kappa Epsilon at Cal State San Marcos, which was kicked off campus a few years ago for drinking and other violations, was never well-liked at his school. For starters, he wore fedoras. That’s a big first strike. To many Cal State San Marcos students, though, Weaver’s poor reputation was the result of his high profile, perpetually despised, satirical(ish) publication, The Koala. The unsanctioned, underground newspaper was a collection of poorly edited and wildly offensive columns and lists that generally attempted to make up for its lack of wit by being as crass and rude as possible. While I certainly have no problem with that strategy in doses, it gets pretty old, pretty fast when it is one’s only means of humor. Here’s an example of a list from The Koala:
Top Five Signs Your Girlfriend is Dead
She’s pregnant with your child and won’t abort it
She stopped struggling under the rope
The balance of your checking account slowly rises
Her mom calls and invites you to her funeral
Her Facebook status changes from in a relationship to deceased
Though Weaver’s shock humor is funny at times, it’s easy to see how the Cal State San Marcos population would quickly grow tired of it. Weaver strikes me as the type of guy who thinks a rape joke is funny simply because it has the word “rape” in it. “Look at me! I said the word rape, aren’t I edgy LOL!” Something tells me a year in federal prison will change that sentiment, as men who regularly wear fedoras haven’t been on the giving end of a prison rape since Prohibition ended.
As was mentioned earlier, The Koala was at times funny but so carelessly put together that Weaver mostly came off looking like an idiot. “If you’re gonna be dumb, ya gotta be tough,” as the song says. I’d argue that if you’re going to be insanely offensive, you have to smart, like South Park, or at least charming, like Daniel Tosh. In The Koala, Weaver was neither, as perfectly demonstrated by his response to CSSMU students filing an (admittedly stupid) Title IX complaint against the publication. Here’s an excerpt, with all kinds of sics.
The koala is funded by students for students. Content is generated online at our website and published by students for other students. Nowhere in that process does Obama or anyone of the thousands of idi
ots he appointed come to a koala meeting drop off a check and scratch my balls while I type… As much as I would love to tbag Obama while he gives us funding to print the next few issues…. It’s just never going to happen.
So, Weaver was already high profile on campus, and sort of a dirt bag, then he hatched a
genius terrible plan. Weaver convinced four fraternity brothers to run with him on a slate for ASI (Cal State San Marcos University’s student government), with Weaver at the top, gunning for president. Why did Weaver want to run for ASI president? After all, it seems like someone who runs a publication such as The Koala would despise something like student government. Though Weaver certainly enjoys attention, the real reason he wanted the job was because the ASI president gig came with an $8,000 stipend. Meanwhile, the Vice President positions his TKE brothers would be running for each came with a $7,000 compensation. The Cal State San Marcos student government also oversees a $300,000 budget. There may have been some pretty hefty embezzlement in the works.
To ensure that he and his TKE brothers won the election, Weaver rigged it. The details are from The Cougar Chronicle:
Weaver, a Huntington Beach resident, was charged with access device fraud, unauthorized access of a computer, and two counts of wire fraud, according to the case report.
According to the report, Weaver is alleged to have attached at least 15 keylogging devices to 19 university computers about two months before the election to gather fellow students’ user names and passwords. Weaver allegedly intended to use the information to cast votes in his favor for the ASI elections. At the time of his arrest, the report says Weaver had a spreadsheet in his possession (colorfully titled “Fu** ASI Alpha”) with the username and passwords for 740 students and faculty.
The vote-tampering was detected on March 15 (the final day of elections) by employees of university’s technology department, IITS, who noticed hundreds of votes coming from the same IP address in Academic Hall. According to the report, IITS staffers remotely accessed the computer to watch Weaver’s onscreen activity. Another officer onsite used a cell phone video camera to capture 20 minutes of film in which Weaver allegedly can be seen cutting and pasting usernames and passwords from his spreadsheet into the campus voting system, the report says.
Between casting hundreds of votes on one computer and naming his spreadsheet full of stolen passwords “Fuck ASI Alpha,” it’s clear Weaver didn’t think he was going to get caught. Weaver was pretty terrible at covering his tracks, actually. Federal investigators found a PowerPoint presentation outlining his entire plan to rig the ASI elections with his TKE brothers. I would pay a lot of money to have been at that presentation.
“Gentleman, I have here the opportunity of a lifetime. We’re going to steal money from student government.”
*A flashy title card which reads ‘Raping ASI’s Wallet – A Matt Weaver Felony’ scrolls across the screen*
“Next slide please.”
Even after he was caught rigging the election and arrested, Weaver didn’t think much of his actions, at one point joking about them to a fellow student. The Cal State San Marcos student, who wishes to remain anonymous, relayed the story to me via email.
“I played sloshball with him the summer after the whole computer thing happened and he was making a joke about it & was kind of proud of himself for being a convict basically,” the student explained.
According to the student, Weaver’s TKE slate was running against a couple of SAEs. The student claims that when he was first caught rigging the election, Weaver tried to frame the SAEs for the voting scandal by doctoring a Facebook correspondence between them. Unfortunately for Weaver, he is a dumbass, and the FBI is the FBI.
“Matt was running against an SAE guy as well and Matt made a fake Facebook conversation between [redacted] (the guy he was running against) and [redacted] (another guy in SAE who was running for a position against one of his TKE brothers), supposedly setting Matt up for this whole computer hacking scandal,” says the student.
Nice try, chief. The election scandal occurred in March 2012, and Weaver was discovered almost immediately. Finally, today he was sentenced to a year in Federal (pound me in the ass) prison. Enjoy your stay, Matt, you dumbass.