To The Class of 2013: Drink Up, In A Good Way

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Nice Move

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Congratulations, you graduated, and hopefully not on time. Truthfully, graduation is not as bad of news as it was a few years ago. I’m just a little jaded by it, personally. I graduated right as the economy was taking a hot, wet crap in its own pants, and it took awhile for that son of bitch to put on a new pair. It was not fun to be a postgrad around then. There was a lot of angst from my peers, and myself, the end result of which ended up being the show Girls. We made a fat, ultra-liberal, naked girl famous for reasons not related to hilarious porn. For that, the rest of my generation and I apologize. It’s unforgivable. If it’s any consolation, our shitty lives also inspired Workaholics.

Anyhow, now the economy has cleaned itself up and jobs aren’t so terrible to find. What does that mean? It means you’re about to be young, single, and making money. That’s fucking awesome. Or you’re a dumbass and went to law school. But if you fall into the glorious former category, congratulations, life is about to be pretty fun. As fun as your fraternity life? It can be, sure. Yes, it’s true, there are certain things you can’t do anymore. For example, almost every illegal thing you were doing before you received your diploma. What was a youthful indiscretion prior to graduation is now, merely days later, just a crime, and you’re just an asshole. Sorry.

Still, while some doors close, others open. You can afford to do more, and you should do it. Here’s a quick rundown of some simple postgrad do’s and don’ts:

DO
Buy tickets to anything and everything you enjoy. Good tickets. Festivals, sporting events, concerts, donkey shows, whatever. I’m not here to judge, just advise. You can afford it, do it.

DO
Drink…heavily. You aren’t in college anymore, granted, but you’re still in your early 20s. Hangovers are only going to get worse, and responsibilities will only continue to pile up until you get divorced and are once again free, but that’s a ways away. Hit happy hours hard, and on the weekends drink with reckless abandon. You can handle it. Plus, and trust me here, after a week of work you’ll want to pound as much booze as possible. Also, you can now afford those bar tabs that once made your jaw drop. I’ll admit I’m still not happy when I wake up to see a $130 bar tab, let alone feel it, but at least it’s not the end of the world. Oh Rumple Mintz, why are you so expensive?

DON’T
Get married before 25 (for guys I’d maybe push that to the 28-30 range). What the fuck is wrong with you?

DO
Travel. I’m not talking about going to France or something existential and touchy feely like that. I don’t really give a shit whether or not you ever find yourself, but if you want to go to Paris, by all means go. However, I’m more advocating travel for things like your college’s football games. Going back for tailgates is the best. That’s the real reason adults love college football so much. Make as many of those as you can, they’ll be like college all over again, for one or two glorious days.

Another reason to travel within America instead of exploring the beaches of Costa Rica or something: you can convince a large group of your friends to go with you. Eventually you will have quite a few bachelor parties to attend. When you and a group of your friends/brothers get together in a city none of you live in, it makes for one of the best weekends possible. My last bachelor party in Chicago was easily one of the best weekends of my life. That same group is now planning a trip to New Orleans this July. Sure, seeing the Eiffel Tower is cool, but being super drunk with a dozen of your friends somewhere awesome in America is way cooler. You’ll have plenty of time to travel overseas when you’re married and need to be literally an ocean away from your children.

DON’T
Feel like you need to grow up. If you’re holding down a good job, living independently, paying your bills on time, and not murdering prostitutes or perusing child pornography, then you’re doing a great job being a single adult, so do whatever the fuck you want.

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Does that cover everything? Not even close. But these are the things I think while drinking Glenlivet in the office and listening to Taylor Swift’s hit single 22 on a Friday afternoon when I suddenly realize school is out. Have a good life class of 2013, you probably deserve it.

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