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To The Girls Who Stole Our Dog

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Ladies,

I’m all for a good prank. My personal favorite is the upper decker. It’s always a hit at parties or as an act of smelly revenge. Mooning, kick me signs, and joy buzzers are also appropriate ways to “get somebody good.” However, your actions on the night of January 31, 2017 were an atrocity against the goodhearted nature of pranks. Indeed, what your members did was what experts refer to as a “dick move.” Though he has now been safely returned, we would like to ask that you refrain from stealing people’s dogs.

I understand that dogs are awesome. Not only are they furry bundles of pure happiness, their loyalty and trusting nature is not something people can find through mere human interaction. It was American humorist Dave Barry who said, “You can say any fool thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says my God you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!” Unfortunately, with that kindhearted nature comes a sense of gullibility. Thus, when you lured our beloved buddy Moose into your vehicle with what I can only assume were cut up hot dogs and the promise of belly rubs, you were taking advantage of a good soul with bad intentions. For that, there is no promise of mercy.

While we would have much preferred to spend our Sunday morning in the traditional way, watching pledges clean the house you mercilessly ransacked with no repercussions, we instead had to spend it feverishly searching for our loyal, stupid friend. Unlike when Chunk got lost in downtown Charlotte, however, a simple text was not enough to remedy the situation. Sadly, for all his good qualities, Moose does not have thumbs and wouldn’t know how to operate a phone even if he did. Even after our frantic scouring of the surrounding area and yelling ourselves hoarse and hungover, Moose was nowhere to be found. It wasn’t until a total blowing up of social media, Snapchat threats, and constant badgering of all guests was he suddenly dropped at the bottom of our driveway, bewildered and urinating.

Now, we can’t prove it was you that took our good boy. However, the evidence does point a certain way. Not only do you utterly destroy our party house every time you show up, but you also have a habit of stealing everything that’s not nailed down. Even one of our letters, which is in fact nailed down, has somehow ended up on one of your sister’s Instagram stories before being quickly deleted. Also, one of your members (who happens to be a recently shunned lover) was overheard spouting off about both revenge and a desire to “make him mine.” Circumstantial? Maybe. When all of that comes together, however, it’s pretty damning.

For what it’s worth, we wish most of you no ill will. Don’t expect the theft of anything dear to you, or violence of any kind. That is below us. However, in the time you’ve spent reading this letter, a package has been signed, sealed, and delivered to the girl we believe is the culprit. In the spirit of good faith, however, I will tell you that you’ll want to stock up on rubber gloves and plenty of disinfectant. Also, don’t try scooping it out of the back. You’ll just have to flush like the rest of us.

Best regards.

P.S. I know you like to think your shit don’t stink, Whitney, but mine sure does.

Image via Shutterstock

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Karl Karlson

Karl Karlson is TFM's self-proclaimed cartoon expert and your best buddy. He resides in the mountains of NC where he wrestles black bears and attempts to grow a beard. Karl gave up liquor following an unfortunate incident involving tequila and a vacuum cleaner, but he isn't above a nice stout on the porch.

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