10. Mr. Perfect
Mr. Perfect lived up to his name in every aspect. Mr. Perfect was one of the world’s greatest athletes; he could throw a football 60 yards (and catch the same ball), bowl a perfect 300, drain deep three-pointers, and kick some serious ass in the ring. Mr. Perfect held nearly every title possible, and at one point, held the AWA World Championship for over a year. This legend attained the level of perfection that most young men only dream of.
9. Ted Dibiase
Ted Dibiase, aka “The Million Dollar Man,” swung his dick and wallet around the world of professional wrestling for nearly 25 years. Dibiase could handle any problem with money. Not giving a shit about titles, he made himself the “Million Dollar Championship Belt,” which was gold plated and covered in diamonds. Dibiase wore it around just to show the world that even his belt is worth more than your annual salary.
8. Hacksaw Jim Duggan
The man, the myth, the legend. This pen name isn’t just a blind pick, it’s a tribute to the fucking man. Hacksaw bleeds red, white and blue, carries an American flag with him everywhere he goes, and beats the tar out of his opponents with a 2×4. Yes, a wooden 2×4. Hacksaw was not only a champion in the squared circle, but a former captain of the SMU football team. Just like in wrestling, Hacksaw devastated his opponents like an Ethiopian devastating a lunch buffet.
7. The Rock
The Rock is an example of unrivaled dominance in a profession. The Rock entered the WWE in 1996 and instantly rose the ranks to become one of the greatest wrestlers of all time. The Rock embodies the qualities of a top-notch fratstar: speaking in third person, degrading everyone, and kicking ass. The Rock bounces in and out of wrestling to go and make millions in Hollywood, big dicking his fans and doing what he wants, when he wants.
6. Andre the Giant
He could have possibly been the most dominant wrestler and human being to ever grace the earth. Andre weighed in at a respectable 540 pounds and stood 7’4”. This monster terrorized other wrestlers while terrorizing the world’s supply of alcohol. Andre would consume over seven THOUSAND calories of booze a day. On road trips, Andre was gifted his own trailer, lined with plastic tarp and stocked with liquor. The only time he would ever stop was for more alcohol; not bathroom breaks, snacks, or stretch but only booze. Andre the Giant only wrestled blacked-out.
5. Kurt Angle
Kurt Angle should be your hero. If you don’t know him, Angle won Olympic Gold in 1996 for wrestling, representing the greatest country in the world. Angle defeated a previous Iranian juggernaut for the Gold Medal with a freakin’ broken spine. Angle truly puts on for his country. In his professional wrestling career, Angle started off an impressive undefeated streak, while pissing off many international fans for his constant insults towards anyone thats not American. Can’t really blame him, America is the greatest country in the world. I guess that’s called being a xenophobe, but back in the day it was nothing more than respectable patriotism.
4. Hulk Hogan
Hogan is a clear candidate for frattest Professional Wrestler of all time. Hogan embodies America, and defeated the crazed Iranian, the Iron Sheik, bringing the World Championship where it belonged, the U-S-Fucking-A. With his iconic horseshoe mustache, Hogan seeped out swagger and pride, even during his ring entrance. Hogan’s entrance song even boldly proclaims “I am a real American, fight for the right of every man,” basically telling the world to not fuck with the Hulkster or the Stars & Stripes.
3. Stone Cold Steve Austin
Stone Cold embodies the hard working American man. Austin was simply a badass, beer drinking son of a bitch. Austin’s single handed victories often were followed with pouring beer over his competitors as they lay lifeless in the ring, while chugging as many beers at once as humanly possible. Plain and simple, Austin knows how to dominate when necessary. The rest of the time he just gets trashed. This is a man who once brought in a beer truck to hose down his boss at a live show. On another occasion, Austin hijacked a zamboni and was driving it around backstage drunk, tripping a cable and cutting off a live broadcast. Hell Yeah.
2. Ric Flair
Ric Flair is unquestionably the most TFTC wrestler ever. Flair amassed 16 world championships while partying non stop. He coined himself as a “limousine ridin’, jet flyin’, wheelin’ and dealin’, kiss stealin’ son of a gun,” followed by his trademark “WOOOOO.” You may be asking yourself what’s so special about the “WOO,” but it was his calling card. Everytime Flair walks into a room, the “WOOOOO” announces his arrival to the audience, letting them know that the champion had arrived. Flair hit his peak in the late 1980’s, while doing absurd amounts of blow, usually off the bodies of porn stars, strippers, and swimsuit models. Despite progressing in age, Flair still does not give a shit and will kick your ass just because. He is most well known for doing whatever it takes to win. Low blows, cock punches, and brass knuckles all are in his arsenal.
1. John Bradshaw Layfield
He might be a surprise pick for number one, but think about who this man really is. JBL was the longest reigning world champion in WWE history, and absolutely laid down complete dominance for years. In true frat fashion, JBL amassed a fortune in the stock market, threw money at all of his problems, and always succeeded. JBL bought a team of hardasses to protect himself and ensure that he would always win his fights. A true showboat, JBL would ride his limousine to the ring. Necessary? No. Frat? Fucking right. After plowing through all competition in his way with his trademark “Clothesline from Hell,” this cowboy left the business and now works as a financial analyst for Fox News.
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