What follows is a list of five particularly dangerous liquors that, when mishandled, will lead to a furious battle of wills between your insides and your mind that will more often than not end in a violent expulsion of your last few meals. Drink these with caution my friends, for with every sip you test both your tolerance and your gastric destiny.
Have you ever eaten your mediocre Christmas candy and thought to yourself Damn, I really wish this would get me drunk? A favorite near the Christmas holidays, Rumpleminze is a festive liqueur where every sip makes you feel like you’re being violated by an extra large candy cane. The taste can be described as something like a twisted gangbang between Santa and his reindeer while Frosty the Snowman sulks in the background masturbating furiously. Sure, there are a few acceptable uses for this potent holiday poison, but anytime a straight shot comes your way, a vomit receptacle is highly encouraged. Just one whiff of this Christmassy aroma is enough to make you wish you were Jewish.
The infamous douchebag delight, Jäger is the licorice-laden devil sweat that guidos guzzle down with Red Bull by the gallon. No one knows why the spikey-haired and lesser-minded men of the world love it so much. My only guess is that Red Bull has a hell of a marketing team. With a smell that is vaguely reminiscent of a licorice stick dipped in nuclear waste, Jäger’s dark color looks exactly the same going into you as it does being spewed violently out of you across the bar. The only way I can describe its vile taste is “gag reflexy.” Even when chilled to subfreezing temperatures, conditions in which you can barely taste a regular liquor, Jäger still makes it’s presence known. Like the sorry excuse for people who drink it, Jäger will demand your attention, punch you in the jaw, and resurface throughout the night to remind you of the punishment you’ve inflicted upon yourself.
The premiere cheap vodka of our generation, Skol has touched the lives of many, and almost exclusively in a “drunk to the point of serious concern” kind of way. While a particularly sugary drink can keep the equal parts nail polish and gasoline taste at bay, any time a straight shot or pull is initiated, intestinal doom is sure to follow. Now, I’m not saying you should be soft and turn down any pulls (that would make you a pussy), but just to be aware of the unavoidable consequences ahead. Skol is an extremely useful liquor, because it’s just as versatile as it is cheap. It can be used to remove paint, rust, carpet stains, and the lining of your esophagus without fail, guaranteed.
Loved by some, loathed by many, Captain Morgan is often that one liquor you spoiled for life in with one night in high school. Because we were all once idiotic underage drinkers, Captain Morgan surely seemed like a good choice for our “hey mister” beverage of the night. Little did we know that this cheap, spiced rum would soon send us on a wayward journey trickling downward into oblivion. With each guzzle chased by coke in that parking lot, we came closer and closer to the drunken champion we would eventually become, but we had no idea of our own limits. As the scale tipped downward into the realm of “shitfaced,” whether we were at prom, in a movie, or in our best friend’s parents’ room, Sir Morgan would make his escape in the most obnoxious of manners. Drinking Captain Morgan is a lot like booking an “extra-value” cruise for spring break. Sure, it’ll get you to the island, you might even have a little fun on the way, but there are bigger and better ships out there, and once you learn about them you’ll never venture back to Captain Morgan’s insignificant dinghy.