Being a college football coach takes a special type of individual. These guys put in 80 to 90 hours a week year-round for a 12- to 15-week season. The life of a high profile, collegiate coach is more or less exposed, as if he agreed to sign away every ounce of privacy when he decided to take his job. Within this respected club of individuals, there is an elite group of coaches who have great personalities both on and off the field, and we wouldn’t mind having a beer with them.
1. Steve Spurrier
The Head Ball Coach was a two-time all-American and a Heisman-winning quarterback at the University of Florida. The Cocks’ head coach has won championships in the ACC, SEC, and even nationally. He has been nominated “Coach of the Year” nine times for his respective conference and has been inducted into the Florida Athletic Hall of Fame. His latest accomplishments include providing all of us with great one-liners, such as:
“I thought I was going to coach in the NFL for five or six years, retire to the beach and play some golf. That was a bad idea.”
“Remember when coaches used to retire? They don’t retire. They get fired. One goal is to not get fired. I’m going to make it.”
“You know what FSU stands for, don’t you? Free Shoes University”
“I don’t know. I sort of always liked playing them that second game because you could always count on them having two or three key players suspended,” on playing Georgia the second week of the season.
And the straw hat/shirtless combo at practice? It’s like this guy is already living out his retirement, minus all of the golf. Role models like this great man come around once in a lifetime.
2. Kliff Kingsbury
Kliff, who is 35, has probably boned every eligible bachelorette and housewife in a 30-mile radius of Lubbock, Texas. Kingsbury is a former Texas Tech and NFL quarterback who coached under the tutelage of Texas A&M Head Coach Kevin Sumlin. Here’s a fun fact about Coach Kliff: the guy was the offensive coordinator responsible for all of the play calling of Johnny Fuckin’ Football’s 2012 Heisman run. I’m sure this guy helped Johnny with a lot of play calling both on and off the field. His Wikipedia picture snapped at a random practice looks like it came from a GQ photo shoot, and if the Head Ball Coach wasn’t around, Kliff would be a lock for the number one spot on this list. Kingsbury is the hands down incumbent for the most laid back coach in the nation when Spurrier gets tired of the coaching gig. If you missed the letter Kliff received from a horny housewife, it’s worth checking out.
3. Bobby Petrino
Bobby P. is a former college quarterback who crashed into a bit of controversy in 2012, when it was exposed that he was involved in a relationship with a female employee within the football department. The story goes that Petrino hand-picked Jessica Dorrell, a former all-SEC volleyball player at the University of Arkansas, to join his staff after she had worked some fundraiser for the football team. Not only was Petrino banging his newly hired assistant, but apparently he had given her a $20,000 bonus as a “Christmas present.” Shady shit always sounds like a great idea until you get caught. The sole fact that this guy had the brass to hire his slampiece onto his staff, hand her $20K from the athletic department, and then go racing/crashing around on his motorcycle with her riding close shotgun solidifies him as a person we’d like to talk to.
4. Mark Richt
Mark Richt just seems like a smooth motherfucker conducting interviews and coaching on the sideline. Like the three before, Coach Richt was a college quarterback before he started coaching. There isn’t much that gets to Richt to wipe that smug smirk off of his face. He seems impervious to public perception–I mean, he sat on the hot seat for four straight seasons and never even seemed fazed that his job could be in jeopardy. We haven’t confirmed the validity of the handwritten note allegedly from Mark Richt to a Clemson fan; however, I’ll assume his silence as compliance that it was he who actually trolled Clemson’s fan base after his star running back ran wild in week one. He seems like a wild card of a good time, and we’re taking our chances.
5. Gary Pinkel
Coach Pink is the only coach on this list who didn’t play quarterback in college. Gary was a tight end at Kent State, where he began his coaching career back in the ’70s. Pinkel ran into a bit of a controversy when he was arrested on the charges of driving under the influence in 2011. Rumors swirled around Columbia, Mo., that he was leaving the scene of his love nest, where he and an unnamed female frequented in adulterous acts. The guy was cheating, and in 2012, he and his wife got a divorce. Look, Pinkel is the man and I hate airing others’ dirty laundry, but if you guys find the time, please go watch his DUI video. His responses are that of any guy trying to explain why he was drunk driving on the other side of town when he should be at home with his wife. When Pinkel was asked how big the wine glasses were that he was drinking out of that evening, P-Money simply responded with, “jumbo.” JUMBO? He really tried to slide that response by a cop who was seeking his arrest? The pair on this guy, I’ll tell ya. Good for you, Gary. Let him know that you don’t drink regular glasses of wine, but jumbo, and that you’re not afraid to admit it–even in the face of legal and monetary consequences. $300,000 to be exact. Anyway, Pinkel is the lone bachelor of the elite SEC coaching club, and rumor has it that the guy is still knocking down the cougars in the great city of Columbia. Plus, he’s infamous for taking his Harley out for cruises on nice days. He is smart enough, however, not to have a self-appointed “staff member” on the back. We’re having a beer with Pinkel, but taking away his car keys.
Did we miss a coach? Leave it in the comments section. Follow us on Twitter @tokensportsguys for weekly picks and drunken in-game narratives every Saturday.