It doesn’t matter who you are or where you came from. If you didn’t grow up playing the 64, then you should have been relocated from your parents by the CPA. The Nintendo 64 was a staple of every boy’s childhood during the ’90s. These days video game systems may have technologically advanced miles ahead their younger 64-bit brother, but I pity the kids growing up obsessed with the likes of Halo, Skyrim, Call of Duty, etc. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve played the shit out of lots of these new generation games, and quality-wise they are damn impressive, but I’ve noticed a sad trend in most games these days. They suffer from the ‘Michael Bay Effect.’ Where there was once simplicity, unforgettable characters, quality gameplay, and awesome stories there is now instead sexy graphics and a fuck ton of explosions. Again, not necessarily a bad thing (what man doesn’t enjoy a fuck ton of explosions?), I just miss the nostalgia that only the cartridge of your favorite childhood N64 game can bring. So in honor of the one thing I loved enough to blow everyday (blow the cartridges… pervs), I decided to compile a list of the characters who fratted the hardest back when playing video games was something to be proud of.
5. Banjo, Banjo-Kazooie
Banjo deserved to be on this list for several reasons. Although Banjo-Kazooie might have been a little bit on the goofy side of video games, Banjo was a more than admirable example of giving zero fucks. The guy slept until the afternoon every day and shotgunned honeycombs ’til the wee hours of the morning. Banjo was never afraid to rage. Since he was practically hammered off liquid honey 24/7, it’s easy to see why he never had a shirt on. I think we can all relate to the blacked out “fuck this shirt” moment we experience while fifteen deep at 2:00 in the morning. He also had those awesome pastel-yellow shorts that sported at most a 5-inch inseam. Banjo’s trademark frat move was his treatment of Kazooie, the sorostitute bird that he rightly kept locked up in his backpack. Banjo didn’t care about Kazooie, making her do 98% of the work in the game, and still taking full credit for being the hero. I know when I played, Banjo didn’t take more than 10 steps the entire time. Through and through, Banjo handled himself as any proper fraternity man would, keeping the women in their place and enjoyin’ the easy life.
4. John Madden, Madden ’99
I’m not sure if I would technically consider John Madden an N64 character, but his accomplishments were legendary. Madden ’99 set the bar for what would become the most successful sports franchising game in video game history, laying the foundation for the skyscraper tower that would be constructed on top of it. Looking back thirteen years to the first modern day Madden game must be what it’s like to watch your kid grow up. What started out as a beautiful child that you took care of and cuddled with at night, steadily grew into an accomplished man with a damn near perfect golf swing. The true beauty of Madden ’99 though was in its infant-like simplicity. Sure, sometimes you threatened to throw your controller through the TV if John commentated the same fucking line for the tenth time, but the fundamentals of this patriarchal game were what made it special. It was easy to learn and easy to master; all you had to do was pick your team and find your rhythm. While each Madden game gets better and better, ’99 will always hold a fresh place in any man’s heart.
3. James Bond, Goldeneye
This is arguably the best first person shooter multiplayer game of all time. Bond fratted onto the N64 sipping martinis, slaying women, and blowing up shit like, well, like a James Bond movie. It’s very possible that Goldeneye was the first real ‘violent’ game that your parents let you get a hold of. Showcasing an unheard of amount of multiplayer levels to pick from, and one of the hardest campaigns on the N64, Goldeneye gave you a shit load of bang for your parents’ buck. Bond is another example of a man who literally did not give a single fuck. Thirty armed men? No problem. Tank? Well, never driven one, but fuck, how hard can it be? Jumping off a dam into infinity? Ehh, I’m blacked out on shaken-not-stirs, why not? The man was unstoppable, and it seemed like everyone knew it. Take the golden gun for example: shoots someone in the foot, instant death. Why? Not because it makes sense, but because James Bond fucking decided that he was dead. The story of Goldeneye mirrors that of a life in a fraternity: no matter how much destruction you cause, how many near-death experiences you have, or how many slampieces you drill, at the end of the day you always come out unscathed and on top. Before pubeless little shits sold their souls and any chance of ever getting laid to COD and Halo, men like you and I properly enjoyed fine afternoons of hot women and hazing GDI Russians. Fuck Russia.
2. Falco Lombardi, Starfox 64
Cocky, arrogant, and all around a son of a bitch, Falco pulled the weight of half the StarFox team. As much as you tried to hate him, admit it, you never could. Falco was simply better than everyone else, and he fucking knew it. He was by far the biggest shit-talker of the crew, belittling every opponent who ever crossed his path, and even his own teammates. Falco was the stud high school athlete who dominates intramural sports. You tried to haze the ego out of him, but all it did was further empower his sense of entitlement, for the most part in a good way. As obnoxious as Falco is, you’re damned sure glad he’s on your side because he’s the fastest, shit talkinist, drunkest guy out there that is going to play dirty, cheat, and do everything else in his power to take home the glory. During rush season, he’s the guy Rush Chair tries to keep rushees away from, but come pledge season he’s hazing balls. This is evident in the way he humiliates and terrifies the shit out of Slippy. I mean, you almost feel sorry for the guy sometimes. Off the field, Falco flexes his carnal dominance by being the only member of Team Fox to close the deal on his slampiece Kat. He causes more damage than anyone else, but despite all of this, his loyalty is unmatched by anyone else, and that is why you can’t hate him.
1. Mario, Every Mario Game on the N64
This really shouldn’t come as any surprise, but let us further break down the king of N64. Simply put, Mario nabs the #1 spot because he is the best. At. Everything. It honestly doesn’t matter what Mario is doing, he’s going to do it better than anyone else. Unlike the first four listed, Mario is multi-talented, pissing excellence and dominance in every butt that gets in his way. Take Mario Golf, the trademark pastime of any self-respecting fraternity man. When Mario isn’t smashing the fuck out of goombas, he’s chipping in birdies on a par 3. To keep things interesting (and to show-off, I’m sure) he’ll take to the tennis courts in a little Mario Tennis. Apart from athletics, Mario was also the perfect asshole on the roads in Mario Kart, tossing turtle shells and banana peels, and even sometimes stealing shit from other drivers. Mario always enjoyed a zero-fuck session on the Nintendo 500, racing in his souped up fratmobile knocking shit over. And who could forget the classic, and quite possibly the greatest game of all time, Mario 64? Mario 64 was all about business as Mario started from a lowly beginning to climbing the ladder all the way to the top, eventually besting Bowser by blowing him the fuck up. After Mario 64, Mario threw insane ragers in the Mario Party games. Mario threw so many damn parties that they all started to run together in one drunken cocktail of pure entertainment, with every one ending with Peach getting the pipe. And finally, Mario was rich as fuck, collecting all those coins and what not. It doesn’t matter what angle you take on Mario, the man is the best of the best, and will continue to be the best for as long as video games exist. Frat the fuck on Mario. I tip my hat you.