Top 5 Frattiest “Game of Thrones” Characters

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Nice Move

I bet most of you reacted like me the first time you saw a preview for Game of Thrones. “It looks like a weird medieval fantasy for super nerds, who gives a shit?” But after hearing about it over and over and over, I decided to give it a chance. Turns out it’s fucking incredible, filled with badass violence, has an obscene amount of unnecessary sex and nudity, and all the main characters are alcoholic womanizers. Here are the top 5…

*I’ve made sure not to include any spoilers in the text, but links and comments may have some, so beware

5. Tyrion Lannister

If he were more than 4 feet tall, Tyrion would be number one on this list. He loves nothing more than getting shit-hammered and banging out filthy whores with his dwarf dick. He knows he is cleverer than everyone around him, so he acts like a total smart ass and uses his wits to manipulate. He literally slaps the king around like the little bitch that he is, and couldn’t give less of a fuck. Alas, he is know as The Imp, and will never rise to the top of this list, just as he will never ride on a rollercoaster that has a 48″ requirement.

4. Khal Drogo

Khal Drogo is the goddamn king of alpha males. He kills, he eats, and he fucks, and that’s about it. Up until he bags the hottest slampiece on the show, he refuses to fuck bitches in any position other than doggy style. He is the president of his Dothraki chapter, and has never cut his shag because he has never lost a battle. Challenge this dude and he will grunt like Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor, whip out his blade, and slice you up on the spot to maintain dominance.

3. King Robert Baratheon

Once known as a badass warrior, he is now the John Belushi of the seven kingdoms. As King of Westeros he is constantly too drunk to give a shit about anything. Every time his wife goes into childbirth he bails on a hunting trip and says it’s tradition. He keeps his bedroom filled with hookers and makes his wife’s brother stand guard outside the door while he takes them all to pound town. He has innumerable illegitimate children with multiple mistresses throughout the kingdom, and constantly belittles his servants for not keeping his wine cup full. Hunting. Hookers. Hooch. Robert Baratheon.

2. Tywin Lannister

Tywin is the head of the storied Lannister household, and there’s a saying that goes “A Lannister always pays his debts,” which is fucking awesome. He comes off as an exemplary gentleman, but is actually more like a conniving power-hungry politician. Regardless, he is smart, hardworking, and above all, wealthy as fuck. This guy is old money, and can do whatever he wants whenever he wants. He has half the kingdom in his pocket, an army at his disposal, and a fucking sweet post-grad balding slick back. He eats and drinks all day with his council, but is far too proud to let alcohol get the best of him.

1. Jaime Lannister

Jaime Lannister is the legacy who didn’t even need to be a legacy because he would’ve gotten a fucking bid anyway. He’s the type of guy that comes in as a freshman and ensures four more years of domination for the chapter. He’s known as one of the finest fighters in the seven kingdoms, and even with his reputation as a kingslayer, nobody can truly hate him because he’s too damn charming, sarcastic, and good-looking, with an incredible head of hair. He lays pipe on his sister, but that’s only because she’s his twin and he knows how goddamn handsome he is.

Honorable mention: Joffrey Baratheon, he is the legacy that everyone hates who is only there because of his family. Also, he makes prostitutes abuse each other for his entertainment.

Past: Undergrad at Midwest liberal arts school. Present: Law school. I got two majors and a minor in six years in undergrad, so back off - I wasn't a huge piece of shit, just kind of a piece of shit. I enjoy booze, sarcasm, deriding girls, a pair of nice chest beefers, and of course, America. Follow at @TheSixthYear.

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  1. 43
    Rich Fader

    “How would you like to die, Tyrion son of Tywin?” “In my own bed at the age of 80 with a belly full of wine and a girl’s mouth around my cock.” TFTC.

    ^ ThisTake a lapLog in or sign up to reply. • 4 years ago
  2. 4

    Does anybody know if the penis is to scale with the rest of a midget body? Are there any frat midgets on this site who can answer this for me?

    ^ ThisTake a lapLog in or sign up to reply. • 4 years ago
    • 3
      The Sixth Year

      my “almost made the list” guys included bronn, theon greyjoy, and jaken, but who would you take out of the list over these guys? just sayin, hard choice, decisions had to be made. bronn just kills guys and is kinda TFTC but not F enough for this list, greyjoy is a little fuckin faggot backstabbing pussy bitch and we all know this, and jaken isnt a big enough character and also he’s only tricky and lethal, not frat. overall, none of them are list-worthy and i hope you agree.

      ^ ThisTake a lapLog in or sign up to reply. • 4 years ago
    • -2

      Greyjoy should never have been considered, agreed. I feel Jaken is a darkhorse and will come around season 3 or 4 much like that introverted kid after some solid hazing now regularly out kicks his coverage and funnels beers like it’s his job. I can’t see removing anyone from the list, I just think the list could be longer. Also, Drogo (still alive) vs. The Hound…who would win that epic battle and who is more F.

      ^ ThisTake a lapLog in or sign up to reply. • 4 years ago
    • 1
      The American Lion

      You forgot white walkers, that’s only 3 things and I said “limited” dumb ass. Only three things after over 20 hours of film is pretty damn limited, how much supernatural shit can you find in that movie series in the some 9 hours it plays? Way too much

      ^ ThisTake a lapLog in or sign up to reply. • 4 years ago
    • -5
      The American Lion

      Nah, Lord of the Rings is too damn fictional/supernatural. I’ve always called it more of a Sopranos/Board Walk Empire/Braveheart mix, or you could just say Lord of the Rings without the countless creatures and magic and shit. Game of Thrones is very limited on it’s supernatural shit and I like it that way. I throw in the Board Walk Empire description though due to all of the conniving and sex.

      ^ ThisTake a lapLog in or sign up to reply. • 4 years ago
    • -11
      The Baron

      JPC, I was sketchy on it at first but all the treachery, raw-dogging and untimely deaths make it a pretty damn solid watch. If The Sopranos date-raped Lord of the Rings, that’d give you Game of Thrones.

      ^ ThisTake a lapLog in or sign up to reply. • 4 years ago

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