Total High School Frat Moves

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Nice Move


It’s no secret that many of our readers are not yet college-aged. They’re youngsters. Even though Total FRAT Move is really designed for those who are capable of relating through their college experiences, we’ve somehow acquired a subset of younger readers. They call themselves “high school fratstars,” and they follow the site in preparation for their college days.

With the principal always breathing down your neck while you’re trying to jock, high school can be a pretty tough time to frat. Referrals, detention, summer school -– all were created to suppress frattitude in the next generation of frat stars.

How do I know so much about the HSFS lifestyle? Because I am widely renowned as the biggest high school fratstar of my generation. No, I didn’t bag the hot Home Ec teacher or streak the homecoming football game. What I did in high school was much more iconic, had much more panache, and was seen by millions of people around the world.

I appeared as an extra in the 2011 movie Dolphin Tale while wearing a sweet polo.

Jared Dolphin Tale

If you want to see the best two seconds in movie trailer history, check me out at the 2:14-2:15 mark.

See how they put me right there in the top center? That’s known as the “honey hole” in the biz (we call show business “the biz” in the biz). It’s where you put the person to whom you’re trying to draw the audience’s attention. All eyes on Jared. Literally millions of people saw me give a standing O to some little bitch talking about a handicapped dolphin. If that’s not frat, I don’t know what is.

If you want to be a true high school fratstar like I was, here are some Total High School Frat Moves you can pull.

  1. Lighting two cigs on a bunsen burner in the chem lab and then smoking both of them through your nostrils at the same time. THSFM.
  2. Charming Agnes the lunch lady into giving you extra chicken rings. THSFM.
  3. Book-checking the one-armed kid. THSFM.
  4. Taking 3 different girls to prom and then ditching all of them to smoke salvia under the bleachers with your boys. THSFM.
  5. Yelling out “Been there, done that!” multiple times a day during Sex Ed class. THSFM.
  6. Awarding yourself the senior superlative “Most Likely To Fuck Bitches” after you fail to win a senior superlative. THSFM.
  7. Pouring a bag of bulk peanuts into the air vent in peanut-allergy kid’s locker, and then laughing as his throat swells up. THSFM.
  8. Getting the whole campus put on lockdown every day because you keep bringing the gun show to school. THSFM.
  9. Refusing to get under your desk during tornado drills because you’d rather die than look like a bottom-dwelling peasant. THSFM.
  10. Fighting back a nosebleed as you try to explain to the principal why the “senior class ski trip” you planned is taking place in September at an expense of $15,000 in cash. THSFM.
  11. Slipping your teacher a C-note so she’ll forget about that 15-minute detention after class. THSFM.
  12. Declaring yourself “Homecoming Lord” after not winning Homecoming King. THSFM.
  13. Bullying the school cyberbullies because computers are for nerds. RHSFM.
  14. Telling your friends you’re only in the school play to pick up chicks when, in reality, it’s because you like wearing the makeup. THSFM.
  15. Trying to get out of trouble by throwing out a “Do you know who my father is?” to a teacher who has met your father numerous times at PTA meetings. THSFM.
  16. Getting blazed as shit in your car before philosophy class. THSFM.
  17. Naming yourself “all-time QB” of the varsity football team even though you got placed into JV. THSFM.
  18. Running an aggressive smear campaign during your run for class president that involves outing other candidates as virgins. THSFM.

So go ahead and do as many of these as you can, high school fratstars. If you’re lucky, you’ll be like me and go down in high school fratstar history. If we’re lucky, you’ll get kicked out of high school, denied from college, and never given the opportunity to rush.


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