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Total One Man Frat Moves, Part 2

Back by popular demand (read: The DeVry Guy won’t stop Facebook messaging me while I’m taking my 1:30 post-Chipotle shit) it’s the second installment of Total One Man Frat Moves. Because if Dumb and Dumberer taught us anything, it’s that if the original was a beloved classic, then the sequel must be TWICE AS GENIUS AND WELL-RECEIVED.

As always, please direct your complaints, hatred, and vitriol to my Twitter handle, @BarackObama.

Enjoy, you degenerates.

  1. Every Sperry in my house stinks. T1MFM.
  2. The voice of reason and the lunatic applying drunken peer pressure both being you. T1MFM.
  3. House’s loudest masturbator, five years running. T1MFM.
  4. Never having to worry about getting sexiled. T1MFM.
  5. Vehemently denying any role in pregnancy scares arising from your mixers. T1MFM.
  6. Being your own acid trip safe spotter. T1MFM.
  7. High-fiving yourself during a devil’s threesome. T1MFM.
  8. “Nationals hates me.” T1MFM.
  9. Always getting first choice of rooms. T1MFM.
  10. Putting yourself on social probation and then showing up to the party anyway. T1MFTC.
  11. Permanent all-time QB. T1MFM.
  12. Being the drunkest member of your chapter. T1MFM.
  13. Being the soberest member of your chapter. R1MFM.
  14. Only needing one ball to play beer pong. T1MFM.
  15. Always getting picked first overall in the brotherhood beer pong tourney. T1MFM.
  16. When your scholarship chair is your desk chair. T1MFM.
  17. Your chapter’s GPA curve not taking the shape of a bell. T1MFM.
  18. Leading your IM flag football team in every statistical category. T1MFM.
  19. Never having to fight over the aux cord at the party. T1MFM.
  20. Every brother in your house is on a first name basis with each sorority’s recruitment chair. T1MFM.
  21. Being your own wingman. T1MFM.
  22. Lasted two minutes in bed last night. Doubled the house record. T1MFTC.

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J Parks Caldwell

J. Parks Caldwell is a senior contributing writer for Total Frat Move, Rowdy Gentleman, and Post Grad Problems. He frequently blesses the rains down in Africa.

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