Back by popular demand (read: The DeVry Guy won’t stop Facebook messaging me while I’m taking my 1:30 post-Chipotle shit) it’s the second installment of Total One Man Frat Moves. Because if Dumb and Dumberer taught us anything, it’s that if the original was a beloved classic, then the sequel must be TWICE AS GENIUS AND WELL-RECEIVED.
As always, please direct your complaints, hatred, and vitriol to my Twitter handle, @BarackObama.
Enjoy, you degenerates.
- Every Sperry in my house stinks. T1MFM.
- The voice of reason and the lunatic applying drunken peer pressure both being you. T1MFM.
- House’s loudest masturbator, five years running. T1MFM.
- Never having to worry about getting sexiled. T1MFM.
- Vehemently denying any role in pregnancy scares arising from your mixers. T1MFM.
- Being your own acid trip safe spotter. T1MFM.
- High-fiving yourself during a devil’s threesome. T1MFM.
- “Nationals hates me.” T1MFM.
- Always getting first choice of rooms. T1MFM.
- Putting yourself on social probation and then showing up to the party anyway. T1MFTC.
- Permanent all-time QB. T1MFM.
- Being the drunkest member of your chapter. T1MFM.
- Being the soberest member of your chapter. R1MFM.
- Only needing one ball to play beer pong. T1MFM.
- Always getting picked first overall in the brotherhood beer pong tourney. T1MFM.
- When your scholarship chair is your desk chair. T1MFM.
- Your chapter’s GPA curve not taking the shape of a bell. T1MFM.
- Leading your IM flag football team in every statistical category. T1MFM.
- Never having to fight over the aux cord at the party. T1MFM.
- Every brother in your house is on a first name basis with each sorority’s recruitment chair. T1MFM.
- Being your own wingman. T1MFM.
- Lasted two minutes in bed last night. Doubled the house record. T1MFTC..