Total Shark Week Moves We All Know and Love

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This column is unedited and being posted solely for the enjoyment of our hardcore readership. Don’t say I never did anything for you assholes. – Dan

We all know what time of year it is. The days are longer and warmer. The babes have been showing more skin. Guys are confidently showing off their vaguely athletic physiques to the indifference of said babes. You and the guys are sitting near the water and cracking open a couple or five of beers. It’s this time of year that one thing is constantly on the mind of every red blooded American. Shark Week. This week means a lot of things to a lot of people. But it has a special place, with absolutely no exception whatsoever, in the hearts of every last person associated with a Greek letter organization. To kick off this sacred week I present to you Total Shark Week Moves. Not to be confused with actual Shark Moves, these TSWM’s are things that we all can relate to. Every chapter has its own traditions, but we are here to celebrate some of the most ubiquitous staples of the Greek community as they pertain to this most blessed sacrament of American culture.

  1. Taking a sip of your drink every time they say the word shark and finishing your drink if they mention confusing humans with other prey items as a reason for attacking. TSWM
  2. Taking a shot every time a show tries to debunk a myth that, at this point, has been debunked to death. TSWM
  3. Missing Steve Irwin so bad you can almost hear a faint “Crikey!” in the distance. TSWM
  4. Honoring his memory by wearing shorts with the same inseam measurements as his famous uniform. TSHM
  5. Wishing the military had trained sharks instead of dolphins. TSWM
  6. Wishing said sharks had frickin’ laser beams attached to their frickin’ heads. TSWM
  7. Wanting to be a marine biologist for like 5 minutes then snapping out of it throughout the week. TSWM
  8. Knowing that, at some point, the Myth Busters are going to show up. TSWM
  9. Imagining what it would be like if Sea World used Air Jaws instead of Shamu. TSWM
  10. Being a little scared to get in the water even though you’re only at the lake. TSWM
  11. Trying to figure out what goes best with your “Shark Bros and….” theme party. TSWM
  12. Working like a right shark, partying like a left shark. TSWM
  13. Trying to imagine what the “Shark of Wall Street” would be like TSWM
  14. Playing Jimmy Buffett’s “Fins” on repeat while enjoying time outside with your friends talking about sharks. TSWM
  15. Not being able to decide between Land Shark and a better tasting beer. TSWM
  16. Let me know what other Total Shark Week Moves you guys like to pull and Happy Shark Week!

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