I thank God every day that the Irish are no longer America’s white slaves. If they were, the ruthless displays of cultural appropriation we enjoy every March 17 would be considered “in bad taste” and “not safe space-friendly.” Lucky for us, the Irish aren’t a people whose heritage is currently considered “cool” to defend — probably due, in part, to the fact that their food is absolute garbage — so nobody is there to tell us “no.”
St. Patrick’s Day is truly the last great bastion of non-PC behavior. I mean, one of the traditions is literally to pinch those who don’t partake in the cultural appropriation with you. It’s glorious. I can’t wait to don some green and drink myself into a deeper coma than a drunken Irishman’s wife would find herself in after a particularly brutal domestic abuse session.
Anywho, here are some Total St. Patrick’s Day Frat Moves you can do to kill it on this year’s Day of the Festival of St. Patrick.
- Purposely contracting gonorrhea so your dick drips green. TSPDFM.
- Referring to your dick as “the shillelagh.” TSPDFM.
- Asking “does the carpet match the drapes?” to every girl wearing a green wig. TSPDFM.
- Running train on a girl with some fraternity brothers to honor those Irishmen who died building America’s railroads. TSPDFM.
- “Erin, go braless!” TSPDFM.
- Having girls honor St. Patrick by chasing the snake out of your pants. TSPDFM.
- Referring to your time waiting drink-less in the long-as-fuck bar line as “the famine.” TSPDFM.
- Managing to be considered “the town drunk” despite living in Chicago. TSPDFM.
- This outfit. TSPDFM.
- Wearing a “Kiss me, I’m Irish” shirt despite it being painfully obvious that you are 0% Irish. TSPDFTC.
- The mistaken belief that “Irish dancing” is just a fancy name for passing out and falling off a barstool. TSPDFM.
- Ireland banning all forms of contraception from 1935-1980. TFM (Not exactly a TSPDFM, but undoubtedly a TFM in its own right).
- Intentionally not wearing green so that girls will touch you when, normally, they would never touch you. TLonelySPDFM.
- Soliciting a handjob by asking a girl if she wants to mash your banger. TSPDFM.
- Calling the act of hooking up with a girl that’s on her period “ordering blood pudding.” TSPDFM.
- Green puke. TSPDFM.
- Finding a leprechaun’s pot of gold, also known as “banging a midget stripper.” TSPDFM..