Now that July has snuck up on most of us like a symptomless case of the clap, summer is officially at its halfway point. Other than the obvious awesomeness that July brings with America’s birthday, the month is also a harbinger of something just as entertaining: summer freshmen. Whether you’re looking to throw a few extravagant parties in the name of rush or trying to test-drive the new talent that will be entering sororities before they find out your true nature, freshmen that come up for summer terms to get acquainted with college are one of the reasons why I try not to go home over the break. Their lack of knowledge about everything collegiate, combined with their unrelenting attempts to feign a deep understanding for something they haven’t even experienced yet, is quite hilarious and ridiculously easy to spot. Here are some of the rookie moves that most kids make despite their best efforts at trying to “blend in.”
Counting Drinks…and Everything Else Countable
College is an especially significant time for people just entering it because they have no one breathing down their neck about stuff they shouldn’t be doing. In fact, the stuff that they were typically told not to do in high school is now a fundamental part of socializing and generally encouraged. The days of getting home past curfew and running up the stairs so mom and dad don’t catch the booze on their breath are finally over, and instead of having to hide their love for alcohol, they rejoice in telling the world exactly how much they enjoy it. Exactly how much. Like every fucking drink. I couldn’t count for you the number of times a kid has come up to me shitfaced at a rush party and been like, “Man, I’ve had like 6 beers and 10 shots…I’M FUCKING WASTED,” but I bet that kid could tell you, because man do freshman love to count shit. Whether it’s the number of drinks they took, the number of girls that “want their dick,” or the number of beer pong games they have won, freshman catalogue that shit like computers built to shittily party just for the sake of telling you about it the next day with perfect statistical accuracy. And that brings me to my next point.
A Misunderstanding of the Word “Blackout”
For freshman, the word “blackout” gets used more than Vaseline and Ketamine at one of StuffFratPeopleLike’s infamous “Let’s Get Weird and Jerk-Off in the Mirror” Thursday nights alone. That is to say it happens a lot. Apparently the younger ones don’t fully comprehend the idea that if you remember something, you weren’t blackout. On my 21st birthday, I remember 15 minutes after midnight, that’s it. Apparently, somewhere between 12:15 and when the bank opened the next morning I was kicked out of 2 bars 4 times, my identity was almost stolen, and some crackhead tried to cash 800 dollars in forged checks for “services rendered” at the bank that morning. How any of this happened and what services I “rendered” (fingers crossed for zero) I will never be sure of, but the point is that night will never come back to me. So when you hear these kids start saying “I was so blackout” the next morning, ask them to perform their favorite thing in the world…counting drinks. If they can list almost everything they consumed and the girls they almost hooked up with from the night before, then THEY WERE NOT BLACKED OUT. They were probably rolling brown-out at best and they just don’t want to admit they went home with someone criminals wouldn’t write home about from prison. Remember, freshmen don’t want to seem like they can’t handle their booze, and they don’t realize that most of us do dumb things when we’re hammered that we are fully aware of doing the next day. So they’ll go straight to saying “blackout” to justify their mistakes. Don’t do that, own your mistakes now kids! You will be doing it for the next four years anyways, you might as well get used to it.
“Technically I’m a Sophomore…”
This is the most annoying thing to hear at a party for a number of reasons. One, it instantly makes freshman look like they just walked out of preview and into the party. If you are a freshman, realize that NO ONE cares about how many hours you carried, bringing up actual school at a party is like reminding someone at a funeral that their relative has passed. No shit we are at school, but we really aren’t trying to talk about it…unless it will somehow lead to us getting laid, then it’s completely fine. Another reason why the whole “I’m technically a sophomore” thing freaks a lot of guys out is because it doesn’t tell us how old you are. This might not be too weird if you are a freshman guy, but freshmen girls can be misleading. Like ‘wind up on a sexual predator list for the rest of your life’ misleading. Although there are some technicalities, no one wants to be the guy that hears, “By the way, I’m not 18” the next morning instead of the night before. I mean…well…nevermind…leaving it at that.
“Stereotype” Talk and Quoting TFM
“Easy DZ.” “DGs go down like anchors.” “Girls with the Crown are the first to go down.” All of these have been seen at one point or another on the bullshit Greek forums online. Even though we all know that they can’t even be considered stereotypes because it would basically mean either every house was full of hot sluts or fat girls, a lot of freshmen have no idea about Greek Life except for these campus forums…and…TFM. So let me tell you this now summer freshmen, if you read TFM understand that a lot of other people do, but no one runs around yelling “TFTC” like it’s the Greek version of YOLO. You’ll never get a bid from anywhere worthwhile with that behavior. More importantly, you will NEVER get laid if you make fun of any sorority within earshot of any Panhellenic girl. They are absolutely crazy over Pan-Love, something that is shouted an annoyingly more frequent amount than “YOLO.”
Just trust me on this one. When kids are exposed to a drinking culture that just puts everything they have done in high school to shame, they tend to throw up in ways that can only be described as innovative. They are just really, REALLY good at sneakily throwing up in things. Mostly other rooms. Best move when a freshman guy vomits is to make him mop it the next day so he gets used to doing it for the entirety of his pledge semester for other people. If a girl decides to plaster your castle with digested wine coolers, still make the guy clean it up. Seriously, he really needs to get used to it.